A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

W Explains It All

Time: the future (or anytime after January 20, 2009)

Place: Mrs. Hebert’s American History class

W – Good morning, boys and girls. First, let me thank your teacher, Mrs. Hebert, for allowing me to come here as a guest lecturer for your history lesson. I’d like to tell you all about my eight years in office. You may not remember this, children, but when I took office the country was in a terrible mess. Everyone was paying high taxes, the Democratic led government was big and bloated, and businesses were hurting under the weight of antiquated environmental and banking regulations.

Well, I went to Congress and said, “Look, we have to work together to fix all this.” They all agreed and so we worked together. They listened to my ideas and I listened to their ideas and we agreed on the best ideas to overcome our country’s problems. That’s how we were able to lower everyone’s taxes and still make improvements to our infrastructure. Yes, John? I see you have your hand up?

JOHN – Yes, Mr. Bush. What are you smoking?

W - Heh heh. Okay, don’t interrupt me again. Then guess what happened? Terrorists attacked us, and we all came together as one country to overcome this terrible attack on our soil. I knew the attackers came from Iraq, even though the rest of the world thought I was wrong. But I knew deep down in my heart that I was right. So we invaded Iraq, got rid of Saddam Hussein, and all the Iraqis welcomed us with open arms, threw rose petals in our path, and accepted our ideas about government. Now today, they are on track to becoming a full-fledged democracy with all the rights and privileges that we have in our great nation. Yes, Sally? You have a question?

SALLY – Shut up!

W - Now, Sally, that’s not very respectful. Then, you know what happened? A big, bad storm called Katrina hit our Gulf Coast and caused a lot of damage. People lost their houses, all their possessions...many even lost their lives. Well, when that happened, I was no longer commander in chief. I became comforter in chief! I got out my Bonzo the Chimp commemorative magic wand and with one mighty swipe through the air...everyone got their houses rebuilt, and they moved back to the Gulf states and returned to their old jobs! Yes, Anne Marie?

ANNE MARIE – (Unprintable suggestion to the President to use his lips on a part of her anatomy.)

W - Okay, Anne Marie, that’s not nice. I’ll have Mrs. Hebert take you to the principal’s office after my lecture. Where was I? Oh yes, well, boys and girls, the American people thought so highly of me and the great job I did, that they re-elected me President in 2004! Wasn’t that great? Now I had a mandate to do whatever I wanted to do to get this country going in the right direction. By the end of my term in 2009, we had unlimited prosperity, everyone was happy and I left office with 90% approval ratings!

JOHN – I’ll bet you’ve got some marijuana! Can we have some?

W - Maybe you should go to the principal’s office too, John. Well, kids, I’ve got to go talk to Charlie Gibson about polishing my legacy. Bye!

MRS. HEBERT - Um, thank you Mr. President…I think. Okay kids, tomorrow we’ll have another speaker with a more credible story, like maybe...Jack and the Beanstalk!

CHILDREN – Yayyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!


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