A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Friday, February 05, 2010

Punxsutawney Phil and His Blogosphere Fans

Once again, Punxsutawney Phil has predicted six more weeks of winter. The reaction has been the same as in previous years. The crowd at Gobblers Knob — who are most likely inebriated - cheered. Animal rights groups decried the way Phil is manhandled at the event. Then there are Phil’s fans in the blogosphere, but more about them later.

For the record I will phrase my reaction this way: “Six more weeks of winter? Oh, duh!"

I’ve already written about Phil and his annual weather report. I’ve suspected for years that he cheats and consults the calendar before he is lifted out of his burrow to make his big announcement. He could play it safe and just predict, “There will be four more weeks of February, followed by four weeks of March, after that you’re on your own.”

Of course, this wouldn’t sit well with the organizers of Groundhog Day, who count on him to bring a major infusion of financial stimulus to this small, western Pennsylvania town. They might think that ole Phil is losing his touch, even though this prediction would be totally accurate. Any breach of faith in Phil could be a life-changing experience for him. They could replace him.

That would mean the end of his pampered lifestyle. No more all-he-can-eat greens. No more Swedish massages on demand. No more 24/7 groundhog porn. Worse, he would become an unemployed rodent! He would be another statistic, another casualty of this on-going recession. How would he survive? How would he file for unemployment benefits? I shudder at all of the hardships he would have to endure.

Many people are naturally disappointed at Phil’s prediction of a long winter and its attendant cold temperatures. As it turns out, many of those disappointed rodent watchers write blogs. Many of these blog writers, coincidentally, own guns. These people, not surprisingly, are not afraid to speak their mind. They have made it known to one and all that they would be more than happy to terminate any misery Phil might suffer from a job loss.

However, Phil is a trooper! After all, this is show business! So he ignores the explicit death threats, pooh-poohs the idea of animal cruelty leveled at his handlers, plays along with being hoisted out of his hole once a year to an adoring throng of thousands gathered on Gobblers Knob, and millions more watching on television. He doesn’t care...just keep the rodent sex shows going on his television.

(Thank you for reading! Please remember meteorological policy is not determined by an overgrown rat!)


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