A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Greatest Movie Spoilers

Now that the Oscars have been given out for the year, we’ll continue the cinematic theme by listing some of the greatest movie plot spoilers of all time. We all know what they are and we get warnings about them in the media all the time. Basically, it’s part of a plot summary that reveals, or spoils, key elements of the story to anyone who has never seen the film. Sometimes it’s treated like that ominous warning found on old navigational maps to define uncharted territory: “Here, there be dragons...”

In any case, here is my list of the greatest movie dragons, I mean spoilers, of all time.

1. In any World War II drama, the Germans lose. Always.

2. Boy gets girl, boy keeps girl. This is true for romantic musicals produced in the 1930s.

3. Rick doesn’t get on the plane with Ilsa. In fact, he runs off with a Frenchman.

4. Boy gets girl, boy turns girl into authorities for double murder committed at the beginning of the movie. (Film noir – 1940s).

5. Sometimes, Native Americans will win the battle, but they’ll always get screwed in the end. Only the Germans have a worse losing record.

6. Boy gets girl, girl turns into blood-thirsty maneater after exposure to radioactive material. This is particularly true for science fiction films made in 1950s. However, in real life, it happens all the time.

7. The fighter will realize that his life-long dream of a championship bout is not the most important thing in life as his opponent turns his face into hamburger and his mousy-looking girlfriend pushes her way through a frantic crowd in the boxing ring. This realization, of course, will not prevent the fighter’s character from showing up in six or seven sequels.

8. Moe will slap Curly simply for existing.

9. Rosebud is a sled.

(Thank you for reading! Remember to keep a sharp look out for the dragons in life.)


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