A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Thursday, February 02, 2012

An Open Letter from Punxsutawney Phil

EDITOR'S NOTE: Since this blog was inaugurated in 2006, we’ve featured the adventures of Punxsutawney Phil — of Groundhog Day fame — in several entries. Well, featured or abused his good name and reputation, whatever, it’s all the same to us. This year, the management of arteejee has graciously allowed Phil himself to write a rebuttal.

Good morning, exploiters and other humans!

By the time you read this, I will have already been summoned by powers beyond my comprehension to give my annual forecast about the end of winter. Will it be six more weeks of ice and cold, or an early thaw? Actually, that’s a trick question this year because it’s been a very mild winter in my part of the country. In fact, the temperatures have been more like late summer/early fall than the dead of winter. As I see it, winter hasn’t even begun! So we can probably rule out the idea that I will predict an early thaw.

Actually, I never know what I’m going to predict. They lay down two scrolls in front of me, and they pick up whichever one towards which my nose gravitates. I don’t get it, but it’s a system that works for them. Also, I never know what the scrolls say. Spoiler alert: I don’t get final script approval! Imagine that, and I’m supposed to be the prognosticator!

Of course I’m overwhelmed by the adoring fans that come out early on February 2 to see me. I love them all, really I do, but (as this blog noted earlier) I’m rudely awakened in the middle of my mid-winter nap. I’m groggy as hell, I’m not dressed, there’s dirt in my fur, my claws are long, and I’m badly in need of a pedicure! I’m just not at my best at 7:00a, on February 2! Yet my fans understand and love me just for being me. Thank you, fans!

As for the rest of you blog writers who take aim at my yearly ritual — either with words or bullets — I can only say that you have blown it all out of proportion. My life isn’t quite the cushy Life of Reilly that you make it out to be. Spoiler alert: my life is nothing like the Bill Murray comedy where he gets Andie McDowell in the end and I end up in the fiery wreckage of a pick-up truck at the bottom of a quarry. Thank Hog it’s nothing like that! Actually, my life isn’t even close to a Bill Murray comedy set in Pennsylvania that, incidentally, wasn’t even filmed in Pennsylvania! Let me tell you, the local Chamber of Commerce was sore about that for a long time.

Full disclosure: my life is comfortable. Fact is, I’m not yanked out of my burrow early in the morning. Rather, I am spirited away under heavy escort the night before from my South Beach condo. That’s where I live the rest of the year, fans! Now you know!

My life is okay. I lead an active hedonistic lifestyle in Florida. For instance, last winter John Bolaris and I went cruising the Miami strip for a couple of Russian chicks...


As the attorney representing Mr. Phil, I must advise this blog to cease and desist publication of this faux letter immediately. My client has assured me that he has not agreed to write or otherwise disseminate any information about his work, his career, or his personal life. I maintain that my client may suffer irreparable harm to his reputation if this blog continues to publish its scurrilous and cowardly lies about Mr. Phil.


Wilkes-Barre Willie the Weasel
Woodchuck, Weasel, Ferret, Whistlepig and Santorum

EDITOR’S NOTE – So much for graciousness!

(Thank you for reading! On an unrelated note, only 26 days until everyone’s payroll taxes go up! Party now while the partying is good!)


Anonymous Janey said...

Oh, Janey Girl is partying right now, yes she is ...:-)

February 2, 2012 at 9:06 PM  

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