A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Saturday, February 09, 2013

Move Over, Mama Grizzly!

I briefly flirted with the idea of putting this blog to bed last month, when I heard the news that Sarah Palin’s talking head contract at Fox News would not be renewed. I cannot begin to tell you how many blog entries she inspired with her strident right-wing politics, her attacks on Obama, and — oh, how would the French say it, ah yes — her loopy ideas in general. Without her on the national stage, then what…sniff (cue melodramatic piano), sorry this is hard for me to get through…what is the reason for this blog to go on.

Fortunately, I decided to soldier on! After all, I reasoned, Sarah may not be the most relevant voice in the right any more, and she may very well not be the center of political attention any time soon. Surely a just and benevolent God would grant me another victim, I mean whipping girl, I mean right-wing spokesperson to eviscerate…and I do mean eviscerate.

Lo, God heard my plea! Move over, Mama Grizzly! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Gayle Trotter!

M(r)s. Trotter, a tax lawyer by trade, who as a senior fellow(ess) at the Independent Women’s Forum (dedicated to furthering such non-independent causes as conservative issues), testified at a Congressional hearing on gun control last week. Oh, the usual suspects were all there! Of course, Wayne LaPierre showed up refuting his argument from 1999 that universal background checks work; James Johnson, the chief of police of Baltimore County, to give the law enforcement community a voice; former Congresswoman Gabby Gifford and her husband, testifying from a gun victim’s perspective; and finally, the rising conservative star, Gayle Trotter. My, it was a grand affair!

Trotter’s testimony centered around one anecdote about a young mother who had to use a gun to ward off two intruders to protect her children. When it was over, one intruder was dead while his comrade fled. Trotter used the story to illustrate her point that more gun regulations would disarm vulnerable women and leave them helpless in times of danger.
Unfortunately, there were a few holes in her story. One committee helpfully pointed out that the weapon this woman used was a shotgun and not the semi-automatic assault weapon currently being discussed for banning. Trotter admitted that she didn’t remember what type of weapon the mother had. Still, her point was that a young woman needs to have a scary-looking weapon in her arms to discourage the three, four, or five intruders who want to harm her children.

Whoa! Wait a minute! When she first recounted this story, the mother had only two intruders; but, within a few minutes, the woman was facing down five hardened criminals, blasting one of them to kingdom come, thus protecting her children. I can only guess that she was whipping up a batch of s’mores with her other hand at the same time.

Oh, s’mores! What a stereotypical sexist remark! Oh yeah? That’s nothing compared to Trotter’s argument!

Trotter's argument tended to support the old-fashioned notion that woman are smaller than most men and therefore weaker. Given this idea, the concept of gun control is sexist. Okay, babe, let me get this straight: the so-called weaker sex has spent the better part of the last 150 years arguing that they are the equals of men, worthy of the right to vote, worthy of equal pay, worthy of all the opportunities of property and business ownership, capable of holding public office and in some cases governing entire countries; now little Miss Tax Lawyer comes along and uses the classic, historical, male-chauvinist argument that women are weaker?

Holy twisted metaphors, Batman!

This begs the question: how weak is Gayle Trotter? Could she herself handle a multiple round assault style weapon? Or does she pull a trigger like a girl? Yes, a woman could use this weapon on any intruders into her home, protecting her family. Or she could make the whole point moot and, in a period of post-partum depression, turn the gun on her brood. There have been a few cases like this in recent years. The gun control advocates point here is that gun ownership can turn tragic with the sudden turn of emotional or psychological events in a person’s life. LaPierre’s “good guys” can just as easily become “bad guys” with a change in mood.

In any event, going back to point one, how does Gayle Trotter stack up as a suitable replacement for Sarah Palin? Well, so far so good. Liberals are already dismissing her arguments with gales of derisive laughter, but does Trotter have legs? And by legs I don’t mean to ask in a thoughtful analysis of a political agenda in which her arguments could sustain her popularity through any number of other issues which could briefly captivate the 24/7 news cycle. No, I mean legs, as in a creepy slobbering middle aged guy examination of her well-turned ankles, topped by firm but not too muscular calves, non-lumpy functional knees, and of course generous fleshy thighs. 

Hey babe, thanks for inviting us to your party of sexist metaphors! As you can see, I am more than willing to participate!

Truth is, the jury is still out on Trotter’s sex appeal.  Her only public appearance available courtesy of C-Span just shows her from the waist up, sitting at a desk in the Congressional hearing room. I have not come across any other photographs of Trotter on the internet, but I’m sure some will appear soon. I can only speculate that, based on what I have seen from her long facial features (accentuated by her hair length), that she will be revealed to be tall and willowy.

So move over Sarah! There’s a new Mama Grizzly in town, and she’s packing heat with a serving of s’mores on the side!

(Thank you for reading! Sarah who?)


Blogger Bob said...

And I thought we'd dodged a bullet .... metaphorically speaking.

February 9, 2013 at 1:49 PM  
Anonymous Janey said...

"...functional knees...?" Oh RTG, I howled over the cleverness of your description of your fantasy conservative sex bitch. Now that you are (finaly!)over Sarah, may we shoot her? Please?

PS: Could you please find out about the functionality of Paul Ryan's knees and report back to me?

February 9, 2013 at 2:58 PM  

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