A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

In the Clutches of the Blog Police

One of my long time readers noticed that there was something amiss last week when I did not publish my usual quota of two blogs within a week. Indeed, I went a whole 10 days between my musings. Apologies to all who missed me, but the fact of the matter is I was detained for a while by Interblog, aka the Blog Police.

My interview with them went something like this.

Lt. Rhett Crit: Ah, Mr. Gunther, please have a seat. Thank you for coming in. As you may remember from our phone conversation, I am Lt. Rhett Crit of the Internal Blog Law Enforcement Agency, Cal Thomas division.

Arteejee: Did you say your name is Rhett Crit? Didn’t you used to appear in my blog?

Crit: Yes! Until you unceremoniously dumped me! Right in the middle of the recession too! Do you realize how hard it is for a fictional blog character to find a job? Oh, and don’t get me started on how difficult it is for a fictional character to apply for unemployment benefits!

Arteejee: Hey, that was my editor’s decision! I had nothing to do with it! What’s this all about anyway?

Crit: First tell me your name, your blog name, and stated intent of your blog.

Arteejee: Well, my name is Arteejee, which is what I call my blog. It’s the phonetic spelling of my initials. 
Crit: Go on!

Arteejee: I write and produce satirical musings of the world at large.

Crit: Yes, we’ve examined some of your “musings” as you like to call them. They seem to show an extreme liberal slant in your writing.

Arteejee: So? I can have any slant I want. Your problem with that is….?

Crit: (Laughing) Oh, don’t get me wrong. I’m not here to judge you; we just want to clarify some things about your writings.

Arteejee: Like…what things?

Crit: Well, our Cincinnati field office has noticed some key terms used in association with other language that some might consider inflammatory.

Arteejee: For example?

Crit: Well, let’s take for example some terms you’ve used in association with the words “tea party”: to wit, “dumb”, “stupid”, “lame brained” and your all-time classic, “loud-mouthed, xenophobic, pig-headed morons.”

Arteejee: So? It’s all my opinion! I’m entitled to it and the First Amendment allows me to express my opinion.

Crit: True, it does! Well, let’s look at another one of your targets: Sarah Palin.

Arteejee: Okay.

Crit: Your code word for her is “hot legs”?

Arteejee: Okay, so I’m a dirty old…I mean dirty middle-aged man! I’ve seen worse on other people’s blogs! Downright pornography! Besides, you remember the first time we saw her just after McCain announced her as his running mate?

Crit: What about it?

Arteejee: Oh come on now! Those pumps! That red dress! She almost made me want to become a conservative.

Crit: I find that hard to believe! Particularly with some of the things you’ve written about Ann Coulter.

Arteejee: Oh, please! I’m so over Ann Coulter!

Crit: Are you sure about that? Your code word for her is “dumb blonde”.

Arteejee: Hey, if I ever said Ann Coulter is a dumb blonde, then I take it back!

Crit: You don’t think Ann Coulter is a dumb blonde?

Arteejee: On the contrary! Some of the asinine bon mots she uttered lately are an insult to dumb blondes! She doesn’t even have the intelligence of a dumb blonde!

Crit: Mr. Gunther, your insistent, inflammatory diatribes against conservatives could cause civil unrest and a serious profound breach of the peace. You make them out to be enemies of the state! Your faux middle-of-the-road position isn’t fooling anyone! Surely you don’t think all conservatives are bad.

Arteejee: Well, there is one I sort of …you know…respect.

Crit: Go on!

Arteejee: Well, for one there’s Chris Christie! I don’t agree with everything he’s done while he’s been governor of New Jersey, and his personal bullying communication style irritates me to no end. Still, his reaching out to President Obama demonstrated to me that he understands he is a public servant that was elected to help the people of his state. 
Crit: Ah-ha! You fell into my little trap!

Arteejee: Tra-? What?

Crit: I’m not with the Cal Thomas Division. I work blog enforcement with a special arrangement through The Huffington Post!

Arteejee: Godfrey Daniels! A double agent!

Crit: That’s right! As I said before, your faux middle of the road isn’t fooling anyone. I’m afraid you’re just not liberal enough for your blog! I’m afraid we’ll have to detain you a little while longer for more questioning. (Into the phone) Come in, Emma, Mr. Gunther is ready for you now! (Disconnects call) I think you’ll find Ms. Goldman quite persuasive in the ways of left leaning political ideology.

Arteejee: Emma? (Hard audible swallow) Goldman? Not…Red Emma! (Lightning! Crash of thunder! Discordant organ chords rise to a crescendo!)

Crit: (Over-the-top, campy, diabolical laughter) Yes, the one and only! She’ll make a true bleeding heart liberal out of you once and for all!

Arteejee:  (Terrified) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!


Okay, so maybe I might have exaggerated a teeny bit in my tale, but my account is true and complete or my name isn’t Sarah Ann Coulter-Palin-Limbaugh-Rove!

(Thank you for your reading! Give me liberalism or give me…um, something not conservative!)


Anonymous Janey said...

I love the interrogator's name -- Rhett Crit -- but he got one item wrong: Isn't your code word for Ms. Coulter "dumb cunt", and not just "dumb blonde?"

Excuse me, there is a knock on my door, and there are two unfimormed men on my doorstep. I'll be right back - I hope...

May 22, 2013 at 8:05 AM  
Blogger todd gunther said...

Nooooooo, Janey! Don't open the door!

May 22, 2013 at 6:08 PM  
Blogger Harpers Keeper said...


May 23, 2013 at 10:08 AM  
Anonymous Janey said...

It was just the Spell Check Police issuing a citation for my misspelling of "uniformed" above. I sucked them off and received a suspended sentence.

May 23, 2013 at 3:43 PM  
Blogger todd gunther said...

Thank you for your comment, Harper's Keeper!

Once again, Janey, more information than I ever want to know!

May 24, 2013 at 7:35 PM  

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