Anne Marie’s Adventures in DIY Land

I went to a local outlet of a major DIY chain last weekend. I won’t reveal the name because Lowe’s isn’t paying to advertise on my blog. So, why is this news? I’m a guy, and as a guy I am supposed to spend my entire weekend at a DIY store, right? Well, this trip was newsworthy because I took my wife along.

Actually the verb took is a tad of an understatement. While I did not drag her kicking and screaming, I also did not, like a Neanderthal, drag her by her short red hair into the store. Rather, I strongly insisted that she come with me. My reasoning was thus: I was purchasing a few things for our home and I — and if this act alone justifies my turning in my man card, then so be it — I VALUED her opinion as a female human being.

I know, shocking! Go figure! And what is the world coming to when a man admits to valuing his wife’s opinion, blah, blah, blah! Okay, let’s move on…

We traveled to the store after a nice lunch at a local diner — partly because we were hungry, and partly as a bribe. I grabbed a cart and reviewed our short shopping list in my mind: bird seed, blocks for our back door (long story), a back door (an even longer story), and breathing masks. Anne Marie trailed behind me and I didn’t realize that she may not know her way around the store. 

Only after I began a brisk sprint for the bird seed aisle did I think that I should have pre-packed a six pack of small liquor bottles filled with pre-made cosmos, which I could toss behind me at intervals. This way, she could follow my steps by picking up the bottles, take a swift drink, then proceed to the next bottle.

Our first stop was for a 20 lb bag of bird seed. I, acting all macho, skillfully lifted the bag into our cart. Next, it was onto the garden area, where we pondered purchasing several square cement stone squares, usually used for patios, to build up a step into our kitchen. Here my machismo deserted me, as these blocks were much heavier than 20 pounds. Anne Marie insisted they were only 20 pounds, but I had my doubts. Also, I am weeks behind in my upper body exercises at cardio rehab; Anne Marie, on the other hand, lifted 80 pounds on the lateral pull down machine and 170 pounds on the back extension machine only hours before at her gym session. Three guesses who lifted these mothers — four of them - into the cart and later into the trunk of her car…

All the while, I pointed out to Anne Marie all the other women who were in this traditionally male domain. Some of these women were with their husbands, but just as many were UNESCORTED! Anne Marie, feeling uncharacteristically intolerant of women stepping outside of their stereotypical boundaries could only sniff, “Must be something wrong with them.”

As usual, Anne Marie said this with a teensy bit of sarcasm, so I believe she was not totally serious.

We checked out with our order and Anne Marie lived to tell the tale of going to a DIY store with me. I must say she suffered no major ill effects; well, except for one. During our drive home, Anne Marie seemed to exhibit, if I’m not mistaken, attitudes and actions of a male driver. 

She sped up to reach a line of cars stopped at a light in front of us,  then stopped quickly, instead of the more prudent move to maintain a steady speed until we reached the end of the line, then tap down slowly onto the brakes to a complete stop. She loudly criticized the driving skills and possibly the legitimacy of the birth of other drivers we encountered. I swear, if we had gotten lost on the way home and if she poohed-poohed the suggestion of asking someone for directions, then I would have known for sure that her transformation into a male was complete. And I would have nothing to blame it on except for my pig-headed suggestion that she accompany me to a DIY store.

Oh, for shame! (Clenched fist raised Victorian-melodramatically against my forehead.) What have I done? The testosterone laden environment of the store must have confused and possibly transformed her orientation, and it’s all my fault!  How could I get my dear, sweet Anne Marie to return...

(EDITOR'S NOTE: This entry ends now! The editor will now have a “talk” with the author. Then we’ll see who can lift a 20 pound bag of bird seed…with broken limbs! BTW, the blocks were maybe two pounds apiece…if that!)

(Thank you for reading. Seriously, those blocks were so not 20 pounds!)