A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Wednesday, December 04, 2013

Notes On and From a Fifty-Percenter

Hey, guys, I’m sure you’ve had this problem many times in your life: you think up a brilliant idea that you believe will benefit everyone. An idea like, say, for example, World War II, that you think everyone will go crazy about! Then you present the idea to the most significant other person in your life, and she (no sexism intended) can only see the downside of your idea such as, say, unimaginable and endless carnage, verbally destroys your idea, and then, most importantly, looks at you like you only have half a brain!

Don’t you hate when that happens?

Guess what, guys? It turns out that they’re right, and now there’s scientific proof to back up their beliefs that we only use half of our brains!

Now don’t you really hate when this happens?

Here are the facts, ma’am: the University of Pennsylvania recently released the results of a study which determined that men have neural pathways running the length of their two brain hemispheres. On the other hand, women were found to have more powerful connections running between the two hemispheres of the brain. The study, using a type of brain imaging known as diffusion tensor imaging, led researchers to conclude that women are capable of using their full brain, while men are more likely to only use half of their brain.

One of the researchers, who happened to be male, pointed out that, in all fairness, each hemisphere counts as a complete human being. The article about the report, published in The Philadelphia Inquirer, emphasized that it is possible to function at a high level while using just one of the two hemispheres. We should point out that the Inquirer article was written by a grrl!

Thank you, science!

Women everywhere are probably wondering why the scientific community wasted time and money figuring this out, when they could have just asked them if men had half a brain. I’m sure that many women — nay, I dare say 100% of women — would volunteer that the men they know do not have a brain at all. 
We must caution any researchers who will do follow up studies to reaffirm the University of Pennsylvania results. Their findings do not account for all the ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, ex-lovers, wives and husbands who were all accused of having half a brain before they were dumped. In these cases, the uno uses hemispherus effectivus should not be considered gender specific.

Granted, there have been times in humankind’s existence when we men have not excelled in many endeavors, but I need to point out something. Sure, girls may use their entire brain, but they’re still testicular challenged. This fact begs the question: when they want to reproduce, who’s your daddy?


So what does this mean for me? It means I get to join another partial percentage club! I am already a member of the 99% who work and pay taxes to support everyone in society. A few years ago, I was briefly part of the 47% who were unemployed, living off the state, and not giving a damn about the 53% who were still employed, or their 1% subset that was exploiting the 53% and living a life of luxury. I am now a fifty-percenter who only uses half of his brain!

This presents men everywhere with an amazing financial opportunity. Imagine every street corner in America with at least one male standing forlornly in the shadows of a skyscraper, tin cup in hand, and a sign slung around his neck. The sign would read, “Please give generously. I only use half my brain!”

Once again I say, “THANK YOU, SCIENCE!”

This revelation is truly amazing when one considers everything mankind has been able to accomplish in its history. Men have founded religions and entire cultures! Men have built amazing feats of architecture and created wonderful pieces of art! Men have crafted tools which civilization uses to survive and thrive! And we’ve been able to do all this using only half of our brain!

We can only surmise what is contained in the unused half of the brain of the typical male. I’ll venture that it is a treasure trove of useless sports trivia, a lot of empty beer cans (I dare say a million or so), and an archive of images of every large breast the man has ever encountered in his lifetime…

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Okay, we’re cutting this off here, pun intended!)

(Thank you for reading! See, Adolf, I told you World War II was a bad idea!)


Blogger David Jeffreys said...

So dolphins are awake in one hemisphere and asleep in the other, and keep alternating. Therefore, they are always awake and always asleep!

December 4, 2013 at 9:48 PM  
Blogger todd gunther said...

Thank you, David for your comments. Um, yeh, my hemisphere just exploded. :)

December 8, 2013 at 6:50 PM  

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