What Would Jesus Do…For Christmas!

Tis the season to think of others, and give to them accordingly. In keeping with this spirit, I am thinking of Jesus and wondering what He would do to celebrate his birthday. I humbly - very humbly - submit my suggestions for Jesus.

1. Impress some babes by walking on a body of water.

2. Host annual beach barbecue; remind everyone that He will supply the bread.

3. Give mom her belated Hanukkah gift, a cross I handmade in shop class at Raoul Wallenberg High School.

4. Review and revise final draft of my blistering critique of Sarah Palin’s Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas for The Huffington Post.

5. Ask Father to unleash locusts on Pat Robertson’s butt just for shits and giggles. Ditto for Rush Limbaugh.

6. Locate that little drummer boy that kept me up all night the day I was born and kick his ass.

7. Scratch #6; on second thought, it would be inappropriate for the season and, more importantly, it may be considered “un-Christ-like”.

8. Forgive ABBA for all of their sins.

9. Call Vatican; congratulate Pope on being named Time Magazine’s Person of the Year.

(Thank you for reading! Oh yeah, I can smell my soul smoldering now!)