A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Friday, September 12, 2014

A Lot of Flags on This Field

(Peppy marching band music up and crescendos)

Rhett Crit – Good day, football fans everywhere. This is Rhett Crit with a play-by-play description of today’s confrontation between the National Football League and the rest of the world about the Ray Rice controversy. You may recall, fans, that earlier this year a surveillance tape surfaced showing the Baltimore Ravens running back dragging his unconscious then-fiancée off an Atlantic City casino elevator. New Jersey officials called Rice out for…

(Referee whistle)

RC - Unnecessary roughness.

Warrior Queen - And I might add that the fiancée Janay got an off side call!

RC - As you just heard, joining me now is Arteejee editor and today’s guest commentator, Warrior Queen!

WQ – Thank you, Rhett!

RC – So what are we seeing today?

WQ - Today we’re witnessing the ongoing conflict between one of the sport’s most celebrated players and team owners. A lot of people are seeing this fight as a larger indictment of the team’s owners and the sport itself. Frankly, many people are shocked at their traditional indifference to domestic violence.

RC - And that is shaping up to be the most violent contest I’ve seen in all the time I have been a sports commentator.

WQ – And how long has that been, Rhett?

RC – Um, well since this blog entry started at the top of the page!

(Referee whistle)

RC – And there’s another flag on the field! What is it this time?

WQ - It’s an out of bounds call!  It appears that this one was thrown by Rice’s now wife protesting the media attention that has been thrown on an incident in which they believed they had put behind them. Many people, myself included, have wondered how this woman could stay with this man after he beat her.

RC - Well, aside from low self esteem issues she may have, it could be that she recognizes that her man really loves her, has forgiven him for his momentary lapse into primordial fit of violence, and knows that he is capable of redemption.

WQ – Or there is also the possibility that she is just plain bat-shit crazy, certifiably full tilt boogie insane.

RC – Um, that’s what you think?

WQ - That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

RC - Well, the story took another nasty turn this week when the other side of the video showed the actual punches thrown in the elevator before Janay was dragged out. Since then, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell suspended Rice indefinitely and the Ravens have released him from his contract.

WQ - Good for Goodell, the Ravens, and the league...

(Referee whistle) 

WQ - What? A holding penalty against Goodell? What the eff?

RC - Yes, it appears that, despite his earlier claims of not having the entire surveillance tape to view and pass judgment on Rice, the Associated Press has reported that the league had possession of the tape since April! Clearly, Goodell may not be telling the whole truth. This could be bad for the commissioner.

WQ - And there’s all sorts of flags being thrown on the field now! I can’t even see the field anymore!

RC – Yes, league officials, pundits, commentators, everyone is throwing out their opinions about the game of football and its alleged coddling of violent offenders.

WQ – It’s not alleged! If anything, this incident proves that the game of football harbors abusers!

RC – Look, sister! The game itself is inherently violent! So what if the good ole boys don’t know when to turn off the testosterone when they’re off the field. Take violence out of football and it’s no fun anymore! Take away that and you might as well play baseball!

WQ – And what’s wrong with baseball? 

RC - It’s a wussy game! Everyone knows it!

WQ - All right, mister! Put up your dukes!

RC – Bring it on, girlfriend! Give me your worst!

(Referee whistle)

Arteejee - What? Me trivializing a serious social issue? No way! Appeal! Appeal!

(Thank you for your reading. Please keep your flags in your pockets.)


Anonymous Janey said...

OMFG! I am so glad that I smoked a packed Pig Bowl before reading this. You two should have a radio show. Do you need a loud, funny, deep-voiced, and highly opinionated (ofter wrong, but always certain) gay male guest? :-)

September 13, 2014 at 5:13 AM  
Blogger Ur-spo said...

This was hilarious and clever !

September 14, 2014 at 9:35 AM  
Blogger todd gunther said...

Thank you Janey for your compliment. We'll call you if we need you. Thanks for the offer.

Thank you, Spo. Although I did get some snide comment about using Warrior Queen without getting her permission first.

September 14, 2014 at 5:18 PM  

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