A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Saturday, December 20, 2014

The Holiday Season – Part Deux

Submitted for your approval…

Imagine you’re surfing your programming guide on your television and you happen upon a channel listing these titles:

A Very _______Christmas

Christmas with ________

Christmas in __________

Christmas and ________Christmas

________  _________  _________ Christmas

Christmas, Christmas, and Christmas _______  ________

The Man Who _______ Liberty Christmas

Lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce, garnished with truffle pate, brandy and a fried egg on top, and spam. (Admittedly, this does not have much Christmas in it.)*

You wonder where you are on the digital dial. Obviously, you’ve stumbled into (cue thunder sounds and lightning effect) The Hallmark Channel.

I thought I was safe from the Hallmark Channel this year. My local cable company had deleted the channel from my subscription offerings earlier in the year. As I cruised past TCM, AMC, and Paid Programming, I would click to the next channel and see a notice telling me “You have not subscribed to the Hallmark Channel” and I would surf on, secure in the knowledge that I was safe from family dramas and boy-meets-girl romcom epics.

Little did I know that my cable operator had other, more devious designs in store for my viewing pleasure. Sometime around Thanksgiving, the Hallmark Channel re-appeared as a basic channel offering on my cable subscription. It happened as if by magic…dark magic!
What, I wondered, had I done to deserve this? Why, oh great Patron Saint of Television, Saint Ernie of Kovacs, why have you forsaken me?

Yes, the Hallmark Channel, that last bastion of clean, family entertainment where very few four letter words are uttered. Think about this: when was the last time you saw Gone with the Wind scheduled for broadcast on The Hallmark Channel!

The Hallmark Channel, that gave great old character actors like Ernest Borgnine and Peter Falk their final acting credits before they went to that great Hallmark Channel in the sky. Now there’s a scary thought! The Hallmark Channel in the afterlife! What kind of hell is that?

Yet there are times when I can be seduced by the waves of sentiment crashing over my psyche. Towards the end of each little drama, everyone’s conflict is resolved, everyone’s adverse emotions are in check, and the story is all tied up with a pretty red bow. Yes, I’ll admit that when these moments happen I feel a little warmth in my heart.

Then I know it’s time to find a violent video game…or watch the first 30 minutes of Saving Private Ryan…or Fox and Friends…anything to raise the darkness out of my soul and bring me back to reality.

Reality…not found on the Hallmark Channel!

*Don’t know how that got in there. Okay, I’ll fess up: it is a cheap reference to Monty Python. 

Thank you for reading! Is that a Hallmark card in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?)


Blogger Ur-spo said...


December 20, 2014 at 9:39 PM  
Blogger todd gunther said...

And a tee-hee to you, Spo!

December 21, 2014 at 8:43 AM  

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