The Price of Hospitality

Once upon a time, the late Jack Kent Cooke, multi-millionaire owner of the Washington Redskins, was negotiating with the state of Virginia to build a new football stadium in Northern Virginia. Eventually, the negotiations fell through and the new stadium was built in Maryland, but that didn't stop ole Jack from charging the state for his time.

In that spirit, and in the same spirit of the airlines nickel and diming their flyers for every amenity, we announce the following surcharges, fees and gouge charges for visitors to the Gunther household. These fees can be waived at the discretion of house management as long as the visitor is not a bank CEO, oil company CEO, airline CEO, or retail CEO. (NOTE: If you are one of these people, you’re going to pay through the nose. But you can afford it!) I realize this is discriminatory, but hey, I pay the mortgage so sue me!

Walking on sidewalk from drive to back door - $1/block (discount can be negotiated to $10 for 12 blocks)

Walking on grass from drive to back door - $2/step (non-negotiable)

Cleaning and restocking dishes, utensils, glassware used during visit - $2

Petting the cats - $2 (or a packet of cat treats)

Listening patiently to extremist liberal views with which we might not agree - $.10

Listening patiently to extremist conservative views with which we know we won’t agree - $500

Restocking pantry for food consumed during visit – $20 plus market value

Entertainment (TV, VCR, DVD, computer, stereo) – $10

Laundry facilities (bed linens, cloth napkins) – $5

Use of the sun porch/fireplace (seasonal) – $10

Use of the lavatory – you can’t afford it! It would be best to use your own facility before you come over.