arteejee

A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Reaching Out to Ann

Dear Ms. Coulter:

Please excuse my use of a feminist salutation to open my effort to reach out to you. I hope you won’t be offended, but you see I am one of those evil, naughty, bad, immoral liberals about whom you have been warning your conservative brethren. For the record, I consider myself a moderate, middle-of-the-road liberal who believes in God (but not necessarily organized religion), but I guess that all those qualifiers don’t matter to you. To you, a liberal is a liberal is a liberal, something to be reviled and squashed like a bug.

I have never bought any of your books because it is so hard for me to get past your titles. For example, How to Talk To Liberals (If You Have To) makes me feel sorry for all those conservatives with such poor communication skills that they need a handbook to explain basic talking techniques. (Which reminds me, how is the President doing?) You are doing a great public service for the conservative community if they do need these lessons.

Then there is your latest book, Godless. My, this one cuts to the chase, doesn’t it? I’ll admit this title is not as wordy and awkward as your previous works, but godless? Were you really that frustrated with your book title just because Mein Kampf was already taken?

Oh, there I go, and I promised myself I would not get nasty about your work, particularly since I am trying to reach out in the spirit of bi-partisanship. I’m doing this because I believe in the word united as in “United States”, but the nasty rhetoric on both sides makes me wonder if the concept of a union even exists anymore. Now, I believe that you don’t really believe all this stuff you say deep down. I can tell that just by looking at you. You are a very lovely lady, even with your long blonde flowing vipers sticking out of your head like Medusa.

Oh, there I go again. I am so sorry, I just can’t explain how that slipped out. I must be stereotyping you based on my perception of your work.

What I’m really trying to say is that maybe you should, you know, tone down your rhetoric, especially when you talk about people who suffered a loss from the 9/11 attacks. I heard what you said about these widows who have been pushing for more answers from the Bush administration about 9/11, and, I must admit, it probably stung them. After all, they didn’t ask to be put into this position, but now that they are they want to make sure that all the facts are known, and that all of the history is learned so that no one else has to endure what they have suffered. They are just exercising their First Amendment rights.

You do remember the First Amendment, don’t you?

Maybe you just need some quiet time to think over what you have said. Just sit silently, cross those gorgeous long, mini-skirted legs of yours, close your eyes and breathe deeply in and out. That’s right, breathe in and out, and just keep thinking these thoughts: “No matter what I say or what I do, liberals will never go away. Liberals will never go away. Liberals will never go away...”

1 Comments:

Anonymous Sally said...

HA!! Thank you, Toddmeister. I hate that Ann Coulter person. If I believed in Hell, I would hope she would burn there. But then again, I'm just a Godless liberal.

June 16, 2006 at 4:13 PM  

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