Odds and Ends - February 2007

Some of my thoughts on recent events:

ANNA NICOLE SMITH

I never paid much attention to this woman when she was alive, but I have a feeling that the media will draw her death out like they did for the O.J. Simpson trial. The story so far: Playboy playmate marries very rich, very old man, who dies shortly thereafter. She spends the rest of her life fighting with the man’s family over his billions. The case is still not resolved when she dies, leaving behind a five month-old daughter, an outdated and possibly invalid will, and a string of men claiming to be the baby’s father which stretches from here to infinity.

I feel sorry for the baby. I will go out on a limb and speculate that her first words will be “Where’s my Mommy? Who’s my Daddy? How many zeroes are in my bank account? Answer the third question first. Goo, goo!”

THE REID BROTHERS

I also feel bad for Philadelphia Eagles coach Andy Reid and his family. They’ve had to endure an embarrassing amount of publicity since their two sons, Garrett and Britt, have broken so many laws that they look like Public Enemy Number One and Two. One threatened a motorist with a gun, and the other smashed his vehicle into another car while high on heroin. The accident happened near my house, and injured a young woman.

What is more startling is that both incidents happened on the same day! Maybe the stars were aligned against the brothers that day. It is also worth noting that charges weren’t filed for nearly two weeks after the incidents. This has caused some speculation that the authorities were giving the Reid boys preferential treatment, although I believe that the Keystone Kops had replaced the local police during the interval between the incidents and the dates when the brothers were arraigned. Why should it take so long to get the wheels of justice rolling for these guys? If it had been you or me, you can bet that we would’ve been processed (charged, arraigned, and bailed) within hours!

I’m relieved that these boys are, finally, off the road. Right now they are a public menace. The accident could have happened to me or my wife, or any one of my neighbors. At least Garrett is getting treatment now, but I think Andy should go further to ensure that these incidents aren’t repeated.

Andy, you’ve done your best to raise your children, but they’re grown men now. As men, they should be expected to suffer the consequences of their actions. Therefore, I suggest you trade your boys to the Dallas Cowboys. A few weeks with T.O. should straighten their asses out. Or maybe not...

OTHERWISE

I am astonished at what events have captivated the public’s attention during this month. We’ve gone from a teenybopper pop star showing signs of a breakdown because she shaves her head, to a teenage girl who can’t stop hiccuping, to a piano-playing Pennsylvania pussycat becoming a media star on YouTube. Yes, I think I understand now how George W. Bush was "elected" President...twice!!!!!