This Warning May Kill You

The US government is now looking into beefing up those little warnings on the sides of cigarette packs. Those are the carefully worded messages that tell the consumer that the product they are about to use will give them hours of pleasure and relaxation before it subjects them to a horrible lingering death. In this case, the cigarettes could be a metaphor for life, but I’m not writing this to praise the cigarette. Instead I am here to help bury this accursed product.

Government officials are researching the messages printed on cigarette packs sold in Canada. Apparently these warnings are more graphic than their American counterparts. We can only guess that the warnings are a little stronger than, “Hey, these things will kill you, eh?” I think we can see that this message is not that graphic, but it is definitely Canadian.

Of course, if I ruled the world, the message would go something like this.

WARNING: THE ENCLOSED PRODUCT CAN CAUSE THE CONSUMER ANY NUMBER OF SOCIAL PROBLEMS AND A VARIETY OF HEALTH ISSUES.

FIRST, THERE WILL BE YOUR OSTRACISM FROM SOCIETY. YOU CAN’T LIGHT UP IN RESTAURANTS AND RETAIL ESTABLISHMENTS ANYMORE. IT IS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME WHEN THE ONLY PLACE YOU WILL BE ABLE TO SMOKE IS WITHIN THE PLASTIC, SMOKE-STAINED INTERIOR OF YOUR OWN CAR.

FORGET SOCIETY FOR A MOMENT, BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR OWN FAMILY, THE LOVED ONES FOR WHOM YOU SACRIFICE SO MUCH FOR THEIR HAPPINESS, ONLY TO SLOWLY KILL THEM WITH YOUR FILTHY HABIT. DO YOUR CHILDREN AVOID YOU? DO YOU NOTICE THAT WHEN THEY ARE CLOSE TO YOU THEY SCRUNCH UP THEIR FACE REACTING TO THE STALE SMELL ON YOUR CLOTHES OR YOUR SKIN? ARE YOU BEING DENIED A SIMPLE PECK ON THE CHEEK BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO BUSY COUGHING AWAY THE STENCH THAT IS YOUR BREATH?

THEN THERE ARE YOUR OWN HEALTH PROBLEMS. IT FIRST STARTS AS A WRACKING COUGH, A SIGN OF BRONCHITIS AND POSSIBLY PLEURISY. YOU’RE ONLY STEPS AWAY FROM PNUEMONIA NOW. THEN THERE ARE THE CHRONIC CONDITIONS: EMPHYSEMA AND LUNG CANCER, WHICH COULD GO ON FOR YEARS. THERE WILL BE YEARS OF ENDLESS TRIPS TO THE DOCTOR, INFINITE PRESCRIPTIONS, AND POSSIBLY AN EXTENDED STAY IN AN IRON LUNG.

THOSE LITTLE ADDICTIVE TUBES WILL DEFINITELY CONTRIBUTE TO A DECLINE IN YOUR QUALITY OF LIFE. TOWARDS THE END, YOU’LL SPEND MORE TIME SLEEPING, HACKING, AND THROWING UP BLOOD THAN ANYTHING ELSE...

(Continued on the next pack of cigarettes.)*

In case anyone believes my warning is a bit harsh, please keep this in mind: my father WAS a smoker.

*Apologies to Jerry Lewis.