Shock Treatment

(Recently, Vice President Dick Cheney underwent a surgical procedure to correct a problem with his heart rhythm. The latest and most up-to-date methods were used to treat the Vice President. Or perhaps they used a method as detailed below in this account based on historical theory. The scene: a private recovery room in the surgical suite of a Washington DC hospital.)

NURSE: Wake up, Mr. Cheney. You should be coming out of the anesthesia now.

DOCTOR: Mr. Cheney? Let me listen to your heart. We’ll see if our treatment was a success. (After a pause.) Hmm...we may have to run more tests. I’ll go schedule those, but don’t worry. Just relax. Watch the television or read the newspaper while you wait for us. I’ll be back soon.

CHENEY: Thank you, doctor. Nurse, could you turn on the television to Fox News? They are the only ones I trust.

NURSE: Certainly!

CHENEY: Oh my God! I just wake up from surgery and the first thing I see on the TV is that bitch, Hillary! I can’t get away from...

NURSE: Is there something wrong, Mr. Cheney?

CHENEY: Yeah, something’s wrong. The crawl on the screen is identifying her as President Clinton! That can’t be right. Someone must’ve made a mistake at the network.

NURSE: Um, well, actually...

CHENEY: Turn that off! I’ll read the newspaper. Let me see...stock market up...oil prices down to $23 a barrel! That’s incredible! I should have George take credit for that! Hey...here’s an article about...President Clinton! Again? Why are they calling her President? The Washington Times can’t be wrong about that...Nurse! How long was I under anesthesia?

NURSE: Just two hours, but didn’t they tell you?

CHENEY: Who? Tell me what? What are you talking about?

NURSE: Well, while you were under, the Democrats in Congress tricked President Bush into signing a bill making Hillary Clinton President for life.

CHENEY: WHAT?

NURSE: They told him he was signing a get well card for you.

CHENEY: That idiot! I told that nincompoop not to sign anything until I’ve read it first! Where are my clothes? I need to get out of here.

DOCTOR: Mr. Cheney, oh good! You’re fully awake. Let me listen to your chest again. (A pause.) Good, your heartbeat is as good as new. The procedure was a success!

CHENEY: Fine! Thanks, but I’ve got to get out of here! My country needs me! Hillary’s in charge.

DOCTOR: No, she isn’t.

CHENEY: She isn’t? But the newspaper...Fox News...

DOCTOR: All part of our shock treatment to get your heart beating properly again. We only put you to sleep long enough to feed that fake video into your TV and lay this fake newspaper on your nightstand.

CHENEY: So Hillary isn’t President? What about George?

DOCTOR: He’s safe. I believe that Prime Minister Olmert and President Abbas are babysitting him in Annapolis.

CHENEY: So you convinced me that Hillary Clinton was president just to get my heart beating properly again? Wasn’t that a bit extreme?

DOCTOR: Perhaps. I’ll grant you it wasn’t as extreme as convincing an entire country that another country has weapons of mass destruction only to justify an invasion, but hey, it worked! The end justified the means! You can relate to that, can’t you?

CHENEY: Yes, I guess so. Thanks, doc! How soon can I leave?

DOCTOR: Oh, you can leave anytime you want. Just close your eyes, click your heels together three times, and say repeatedly, “There’s no place like home! There’s no place like home! There’s no place...”