A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Unlikely Scenarios for the Gasoline Price Crisis

The price of gasoline is now averaging $3.60 nationwide. Here in Southeastern Pennsylvania, it is hovering just below that average. Of course, that is as of today. The price has been rising on average once every other day. Sometimes it is up two cents a gallon, and other times it is eight cents a gallon. Either way, everyone agrees that the rising fuel costs are a pain in the ass.

Many of us are looking to Washington to do something about this, but little do they know that the US government has already done their part for gasoline prices. As you may recall, the Bush Administration invaded Iraq a few years ago. The Mideast has been a volatile part of the globe for centuries. We marched into Iraq and made that part of the world even more unstable. Please, no need to thank us! We’re just imperialistic Americans exercising our God given rights. Oil production was an iffy proposition before the invasion, and it became nearly impossible after the invasion. High oil prices? Honestly, what were people expecting?

Undaunted, the Bush Administration has revised its proposal to require American made cars to increase fuel efficiency. Detroit now has until 2015 to raise their miles per gallon average to 32. Once again, the Bushies are doing too little, too late. At the risk of sounding like a Monday morning quarterback, I would have preferred that he had proposed this idea a few days earlier then when he actually did. Specifically, I’m thinking he should’ve done it on January 21, 2001.

2015? Thanks, W! Given the current rise of gasoline prices (average $.10 per week), the price per gallon by 2015 should be (let’s see 364 weeks times $.10...carry the two...) approximately $43.86! Wow! I can hardly wait! Of course, by that time, most people will be working from home because they can’t afford to drive to a central location for a job. With no one buying gasoline, the oil companies will go belly up, and all those energy executives who smirked at Congress a few weeks ago will be unemployed! So there is an upside to this crisis after all! Ha, ha, ha, ha!

It all falls back on each of us to change our driving habits and conserve fuel. Millions of Americans could take their lead feet off the gas pedals and drive more responsibly. Right, like that’s going to happen!

Okay, how about this for an unlikely scenario: convince the other countries that are competing for the global oil supply to cut back on their demand. For example, we could go to China, which has recently discovered the joys of capitalism and newfound levels of affluence. We could send a delegation of Congress people (Republican naturally) to lecture the Chinese on the greatest evil of capitalism, namely, income taxes! Believe me, Chinese workers, you don’t have to pay these. Go back, go back I say, to your American owned sweatshops and earn pennies a week! Give up your big, American made automobiles, and dust off your copy of Mao’s little red book. Reacquaint yourself with the Chairman’s economic wisdom, before it’s too late.

Never mind! It’s already too late! As Eddie Cantor might have sang on the Zigfeld Follies stage, "How you going to keep them down on the commune after they’ve bought a grand latte at the Starbucks in Hong Kong?"

Another unlikely scenario: since American consumers are paying record gas prices and since these prices will never go back down, we should demand more service for the money we’re paying. Or, as they would say back in the old days, “more bang for the buck”. Beware: we are now entering double entendre territory.

As an example, years ago every gas station would have attendants who would emerge from the station and pump the gas, wash the windows, check the tire pressure and fluids for every car that came in. A return of these attendants would be a nice start, but I’m thinking bigger. I believe that, given the higher prices we’re paying, that the oil company executives themselves should come out to the stations and service each customer (insert Groucho Marx wagging eyebrows here). By service, I mean anything that would involve serious kneepad usage. I think the adults know what I’m talking about.

Who am I kidding? This will never happen. We, the American consumers, might as well get used to the idea of bending over and waiting to get stuck every time we go to the pumps.


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