A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The Puree Diet

A few weeks ago, I introduced my Uncle Hugh in this blog. As you may recall, I mentioned that he has the highest IQ of any of my relatives. In recent years, his health has been declining and once again he found himself hospitalized for general overall weakness. Currently, he is convalescing nicely at a rehab center near my house. This gives me a good opportunity to see him on a daily basis.

One day this week, I had a chance to visit with him while he ate his supper. I’ve asked him several times how his food has been and, having spent several days in my life in a hospital, I didn’t expect that his answer would be very encouraging. My past experience has been that hospital food is usually on the bland side with nary salt, pepper, or other seasoning packet in sight.

He explained to me that he has been given a purree diet, since he told his doctors that he recently gagged on solid food. I watched him eat his puree dinner and I decided that the word puree comes from the French meaning to render a solid food into a state that makes it easily digestible, yet totally unappetizing glop to the naked eye. We should probably define glop as any unrecognizable mass that derives its name from the sound made when it is dropped onto a person’s dinner plate.

Last night, Uncle Hugh had a tan pile of glop with a thick golden liquid on it, a green pile of glop, and some white glop with more golden liquid on it. We decided that the tan pile was chicken or turkey topped with gravy, the green glop was spinach, and the white glop was creamy mashed potatoes with more gravy. I have further concluded that mashed potatoes and apple sauce are the only two foods that are specifically pureed to look presentable on our dinner plates, while other foods are left decidedly less desirable.

While he ate, I attempted to start a conversation on some topic to pass the time. I could have talked about the weather, or what I did last weekend, but no, I decided to talk about...

DISCLAIMER: Small children, small animals, and any human being with a nervous stomach condition are hereby warned not to read any further!

As I was about to say, the subject of bowel movements just seemed to lend itself naturally to the situation, given the physical state of his dinner. This conversation would have made Beavis and Butthead proud. It is surprising what you learn about other people when you talk about such matters! We both realized that we had both been treated for hemorrhoids in our lives. Amazingly, all this talk of crap and surgeries in our nether regions didn’t affect his appetite. He was able to finish every bit of glop on his plate.

Hopefully, Uncle Hugh will be released soon and return to the land of appealing food. I think he misses the French fries he usually consumes on Monday nights, although his heart is probably enjoying the break from this fatty treat. The lesson here is that sometimes the unhealthy foods we eat are made to look attractive; the McDonald's restaurant chain has built an entire empire on this concept. The healthy food is best inside our stomachs. Just don’t look at it for too long, or you may find yourself running for the fries.


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