While You Were Out, Mr. President
The following messages may or may not have been recorded at the White House since last weekend.
President Obama: “Hello, you have reached the Oval Office. I am out of the country right now. Please leave your name, number, and a brief message, and I will return your call when I get back.”
(Beep!)
Raul Castro: “Hello, Mr. President! It was great seeing you last weekend. Just remember, I’ll talk to you about everything between our two countries. And I mean everything, every issue, every conflict between us. I want to work with you. Good bye.”
(Beep!)
Fidel Castro: “Hey, Obama! This is Fidel! Don’t listen to my brother! He thinks he’s in charge, but he’s not. He doesn’t have my ear! God, little brothers are a pain in the ass...”
(Beep!)
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: “Hello, Mr. President. I’m sorry you missed my great anti-Israel rant on Hitler’s birthday. I really wowed the crowd. Well, all right, I wowed the ones that didn’t walk out. Oh, and the protestors didn’t like me either, but hey, you can’t win everyone over. At least they didn’t throw their shoes at me. By the way, can you tell me what I can do with a couple hundred clown noses?”
(Beep!)
Raul: “Hi, Mr. President! It’s Raul again. Listen, don’t worry about anything my brother says. All he can do anymore is lie around the house, complain about his bladder, and smoke his Cuban cigars. Now, I’ve got nothing against a good Cuban cigar, but they do stink up the house, if you know what I mean. Anyway, what I really want to say is come down anytime to talk. Mi casa est su casa...as long as you don’t mind the cigar odor.”
(Beep!)
Fidel: “Hey, Obama! Don’t listen to Raul! He doesn’t speak for the Revolution! Hell, he isn’t really a Communist! I probably shouldn’t reveal this family secret, but Raul’s real father was a Democrat. Oh, wait! Aren’t you a Democrat, too? That just proves my point!”
(Beep!)
Hugo Chavez: “Hello, Mr. Obama! It’s Hugo. It was great seeing you at the Conference last weekend! I hope you’re enjoying the book I gave to you. Listen, can you do me a favor? I’m sending you a package and I was wondering if you could pass it on to Ahmadinejad the next time you see him. I think he will get more out of it than I will. It’s my personal copy of Mein Kampf..."
(Beep!)
Malia Obama: “Dad, can we sit in the Oval Office next week for ‘Take Your Daughter to Work Day’? Hold on! Bo! No, bad! Bad dog! Stop chewing on my Jonas Brothers poster...”
(Beep!)
Fidel: “Give me the phone, Raul! You will ruin everything!”
(Beep!)
Raul: “Me? It is you who are destroying us! Your antiquated Marxist ideals are forcing our people to drive American cars built in the last century!”
(Beep!)
Fidel: "Oh and I suppose you’d rather have them drive those big gas guzzling Hummers from the 21st century? Give me the phone! I want to talk to that superficial imperialist!”
(Beep!)
Raul: “Ow! Mother always did like you best!”
(BEEEEEEEEP!)
(CLICK)
President Obama: “Hello, you have reached the Oval Office. I am out of the country right now. Please leave your name, number, and a brief message, and I will return your call when I get back.”
(Beep!)
Raul Castro: “Hello, Mr. President! It was great seeing you last weekend. Just remember, I’ll talk to you about everything between our two countries. And I mean everything, every issue, every conflict between us. I want to work with you. Good bye.”
(Beep!)
Fidel Castro: “Hey, Obama! This is Fidel! Don’t listen to my brother! He thinks he’s in charge, but he’s not. He doesn’t have my ear! God, little brothers are a pain in the ass...”
(Beep!)
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: “Hello, Mr. President. I’m sorry you missed my great anti-Israel rant on Hitler’s birthday. I really wowed the crowd. Well, all right, I wowed the ones that didn’t walk out. Oh, and the protestors didn’t like me either, but hey, you can’t win everyone over. At least they didn’t throw their shoes at me. By the way, can you tell me what I can do with a couple hundred clown noses?”
(Beep!)
Raul: “Hi, Mr. President! It’s Raul again. Listen, don’t worry about anything my brother says. All he can do anymore is lie around the house, complain about his bladder, and smoke his Cuban cigars. Now, I’ve got nothing against a good Cuban cigar, but they do stink up the house, if you know what I mean. Anyway, what I really want to say is come down anytime to talk. Mi casa est su casa...as long as you don’t mind the cigar odor.”
(Beep!)
Fidel: “Hey, Obama! Don’t listen to Raul! He doesn’t speak for the Revolution! Hell, he isn’t really a Communist! I probably shouldn’t reveal this family secret, but Raul’s real father was a Democrat. Oh, wait! Aren’t you a Democrat, too? That just proves my point!”
(Beep!)
Hugo Chavez: “Hello, Mr. Obama! It’s Hugo. It was great seeing you at the Conference last weekend! I hope you’re enjoying the book I gave to you. Listen, can you do me a favor? I’m sending you a package and I was wondering if you could pass it on to Ahmadinejad the next time you see him. I think he will get more out of it than I will. It’s my personal copy of Mein Kampf..."
(Beep!)
Malia Obama: “Dad, can we sit in the Oval Office next week for ‘Take Your Daughter to Work Day’? Hold on! Bo! No, bad! Bad dog! Stop chewing on my Jonas Brothers poster...”
(Beep!)
Fidel: “Give me the phone, Raul! You will ruin everything!”
(Beep!)
Raul: “Me? It is you who are destroying us! Your antiquated Marxist ideals are forcing our people to drive American cars built in the last century!”
(Beep!)
Fidel: "Oh and I suppose you’d rather have them drive those big gas guzzling Hummers from the 21st century? Give me the phone! I want to talk to that superficial imperialist!”
(Beep!)
Raul: “Ow! Mother always did like you best!”
(BEEEEEEEEP!)
(CLICK)
posted by todd gunther | 7:58 PM
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