arteejee

A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Snort Notes – September 2010

NEW YORK MAN LEAPS FROM THE 39TH FLOOR OF A HIGHRISE IN A SUICIDE ATTEMPT AND SURVIVES!

Okay, there is good news and bad news to be learned from this incident.

The good news is he survived. Perhaps, once he recovers from what may be lifelong injuries, he’ll be able to become a productive member of society again. His fall amounted to over 400 feet, and it is estimated that his speed was 120 miles per hour when he landed on a parked vehicle. This is surely a world record worthy of a notation in Guinness. The notoriety from his act may also lead to — drum roll, please — a reality TV show!

The bad news is he survived. Obviously, his life was a major source of disappointment and he couldn’t bear the idea that nothing went right for him. Maybe he lost a job, a love, his life savings, and/or his shelter. He could have concluded that no matter what he did, he couldn’t do anything right. Well, now he can add suicide to his list of failures!

How will he live with the idea that he can’t succeed at killing himself? The man will most likely be referred for psychiatric treatment. Due to the fact that he may not have a job, then he may also lack health insurance which would cover the treatment. So, guess how this will get paid for? That’s right, Mr. and Mrs. American Taxpayer, the bill will come to you and me!

There’s also a small matter of the car on which he landed: it was totaled! Obviously, the owner will come forward seeking compensation for her loss. Most likely, the owner’s car insurance will not pay for a new car, because the damage occurred during the commission of an illegal act. Surprise! Suicide is a crime, and you, sir, may be the first person prosecuted for it. This is where you claim insanity and your one-way ticket to free mental health therapy!

Please, let this man get well, and for our sake do not let him get a reality TV show!

The morale of this story, children: don’t try to kill yourself! You can’t afford it!

PARIS HILTON IS BUSTED FOR DRUG POSSESSION

Or, wait, was it Lindsey Lohan? No, I was right the first time. Honestly, I can’t keep these blondes famous for being famous straight!

It seems that Britney, oh I mean Paris, was pulled over by police and, in the course of her presenting her identification to them, a controlled substance fell out of Jessica’s, I mean Paris’, purse. Since then she has claimed that the purse was not hers, or later that the purse was hers but the drugs were not hers. In any event, the incident has propelled Paris to the forefront of the gossip pages again!

I truly hope she is found innocent. If not, then we should enforce the Amnesty for Stoned Blondes Act, and allow her to go free. Seriously, what would we as a society gain from incarcerating um, whoever? Putting her in jail could only lead to increased media attention Paris in Jail: One Year Later; Paris in Jail: Two Years Later; Paris Goes to the Parole Board; Paris Does Community Service; or even - and we should all shudder at this thought - a reality TV show!

(Thank you for reading. Please remember only you can prevent reality TV!)

1 Comments:

Anonymous Janey said...

I wish the suicide jumper had landed on Paris Hilton!

September 8, 2010 at 7:03 AM  

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