A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Friday, April 22, 2011

Another Bored Easter Child

I know I’ve written about this subject before*, but it is that time of year once again to contemplate the trials and tribulations of a small segment of American society. We all know to whom I’m referring. It’s those people who are very adamant — some would say stubborn — about their life, their feelings, their beliefs, and who are very determined to express their ideas as loudly as they can. Some might believe that these traits are signs of immaturity, but this is something that society as a whole is willing to overlook.

No, this is not about the Tea Partiers. It is about the small children everywhere who don’t understand the true meaning of Easter. And after reading this entry, they still won’t know the true meaning of the holiday, but at least they’ll know that we empathize with their feelings.

We understand more about their lives than they realize. We know how tough their lives are. We know, for example, they spend most of their days crying and screaming at their clueless grown-up humans living with them about their every little need. Why don’t these adults understand that you are the center of the universe? Honestly, children, I am just as puzzled as you are.

I know you have a long, tiring week what with eating, pooping, sleeping, and torturing your little sister (who thinks that SHE is the center of the universe). There’s no denying that you work hard all week keeping up this schedule. The one thing you look forward to is sleeping in on Sunday mornings with your arms caressing your best buddy (a stuffed animal you call Boo Bear) and a binky in your mouth.

Truth be told, my young ones, many adults share this same vision of a Sunday morning with you. They also look fondly towards a gentle morning rising from bed with something warm and soft next to them, and many also have something in their mouths, but they don’t always refer to that as a binky. I can’t go into any more detail about this now, but as you grow older you will understand. But I digress...

Unfortunately, this weekend is the one weekend of the year that you won’t get to sleep in on Sunday morning. Christians all over the world celebrate this Sunday as Easter, the holiest day of the year! The anniversary when their recognized Lord and Savior rose from the dead. It is a most joyous time!

Now you may wonder what’s so joyous about getting yanked out of bed, forced to put on some cutesy little outfit complete with something to adorn the head and a matching pair of footwear with bells on the front, then paraded in front of a bunch of adults who shriek in high-pitched voices, “Awww, look at the little dickens!” My answer to your puzzlement is, “Hell if I know.” I truly feel your pain.

You are further puzzled when the best explanation these same adults can give you has something to do with a huge boulder rolled out of the way, and somebody’s missing from their final resting place. If you were a little older, you might suggest that they should look for Indiana Jones, who (if your memory serves you correctly) makes a living from breaking into graves, taking museum quality relics out of these holes, and back to civilization. However, you don’t know the right words to communicate this idea. So you just sit there on those hard wooden benches which are not ergonomically correct as they curve around your backside and up way over your head and stew.

This is probably why some wise adult many years ago thought up the idea to make the Easter holiday a bit more attractive to your youngsters. “Let’s make this holiday more for the children,” this adult said. “Let’s give them colorful eggs to play with! And sweet candy to eat, and let’s give a cute fluffy little animal dominion over this entire holiday! And then the children will rejoice with the rest of us!” And somewhere all of his/her words were written, and everywhere it was done.

Unfortunately, there are consequences about each of these icons of the Easter season. The oil used to make the plastic eggs could probably be put to better use fueling our vehicles, as the adults of the world watch the price of gasoline climb out of sight. The candy served up on Easter morning can cause serious health risks if the child overindulges. The Easter Bunny too is questionable: many times he is not small and cuddly, but portrayed as a full size adult. The last time a six foot rabbit was so adored he was the object of a fictional character who was a hallucinogenic alcoholic, but that was way back when comedies about hallucinogenic alcoholics were considered politically correct.

At some point on Easter morning, young child, you will make peace with all of the fuss your adults have made over you. They will fill you with chocolate until your tummy is full and the remnants of your candy orgy are smeared all over your face. You’ve suddenly forgotten about the rude awakening you got that morning and you’re satisfied.

Then you see your little sister — all dressed up like an ornate china doll in something frilly, passed around among the adults, and she is crying the entire time — and your satisfaction is multiplied. She is miserable! Adding salt to the wound, you notice that her binky has fallen out of her mouth and onto the ground. At this point you smile and say to yourself, “Yes! This is going to be a good week!”

*The Bored Easter Child, 4/10/2009.

(Thank you for reading and Happy Easter!)


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