A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

My Photo
Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The Push-up Career Enhancement

If I had to do it all over again, I would get breast implants rather than a college education. Obviously, large breasts not only garner attention, but also endless financial security.

What I am saying has been known by many people for a long time: large breasts = power. They have the ability to make the most intelligent of heterosexual males drool like babies, and make other women who otherwise have wonderful attributes (example: brains) envious. Everyone knows this, but so few people have the chutzpah to make this argument in such base, blunt, and admittedly shallow terms.

Monty Python noted this in a sketch about a contest in which participants have to summarize the writings of Marcel Proust in fifteen seconds or less. At the sketch’s end, the judges throw in the towel and award the prize to (their words, not mine) “the girl with the biggest tits”. It was a funny way to make a very gloomy point about success.

Unfortunately, there are times when the fiction of a television sketch becomes reality. Such is the case of one Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi. This young woman has become famous simply for appearing on an MTV reality series. I have never seen the series, but it’s impossible in the 24/7 media cycle to not encounter the amply endowed Snooki.

I don’t know very much about her. The only discernable skill set that she has is her possession of huge bosoms, the ability to stand at a bar and drink like a fish, and speak in a language that would make sailors turn white as a ghost! Yet she recently “earned” $32,000 for a speaking engagement at Rutgers University. The event went well by Snooki standards. Reportedly she advised the packed house to “Study hard, but party harder”.

Note to Rutgers University: you got ripped off!

To recap: millions of Americans with more marketable, profitable skills are out of work while Little Miss Bouncy-Bouncy makes an amount in one night that would take me an entire year to earn. Even more tragic, there are many Americans who will never realize this amount within one calendar year. In a phrase, this inequity is not fair, but such is the celebrity worship society which we’ve become.

This brings me back to my solution for my financial opportunity problems: large breasts. Oh, I can see the whining now from the critics — mostly women, I assume — now. They’ll say, “You’re a guy who doesn’t need breasts to succeed. Besides, you don’t have the right set of chromosomes. Your body might reject them. Also, they’ll clash with your salt and pepper mustache”. I will admit that these are all valid points, especially the last one. I may have to finally ditch the upper lip hair that I have carefully grown and trimmed since I was a teenager.

Even as I contemplate this radical form of career enhancement, there is hope in the news that Rutgers has had a case of buyer’s remorse with Snooki. A few in the college community are lobbying to have New Jersey’s favorite son, Bruce Springsteen, appear at a university event for free in some misguided thinking that it will make up for the Snooki fiasco. Actually, they’re rubbing salt in the wound by devaluing The Boss!

Snooki is worth $32,000, but Bruce is worth zero? What kind of justice is this? After all, Springsteen has been a major influential artist since the mid-70s. He is considered by many to be a rock icon, while many others put him on the same plateau as God. Geez, at least accord him some respect! At least offer him an honorarium which he might not need, but at least he could make a gesture of offering the amount to his favorite charity.

How will The Boss regain his dignity after this offer from Rutgers? I think I know. Hey, Bruce, think breast implants...

(Thank you for reading. Here’s hoping that someday society will judge success by ability and talent, as opposed to man’s baser instincts. Yeah, right, good luck with that philosophy...)


Anonymous Janey said...

A few thoughts:

I'd love to read your wife's thoughts on the financial value of large breasts.

I've tried to envision you with breast implants and no mustache -- sorry, Sugar, but it just won't work.

Please write your next column on the value of having a large penis!

Love, Janey

April 20, 2011 at 6:59 AM  
Anonymous the editor said...

Dear Janey:

Big tits have never reaped me financial wealth untold. All my female relatives have had large gazongas, and all of them have lived a quiet middle class life. I suppose it's because I have the brains to go along with the huge jugs; guys don't want smart women, only bimbos.

April 22, 2011 at 8:07 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home