arteejee

A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Iowa Results Are In!

All media attention last weekend was on the overblown fundraiser for the Iowa State Republican Committee, otherwise known as the Iowa Straw Poll. In recent years, the straw poll has become — in the minds of some — this great event that portends the future of the Republican Party in the presidential election every four years. The media oblige and devote a great amount of time to what has become a combination state fair/carnival/political free-for-all.

Granted, the state of Iowa does get some benefits on its own from the event. It undoubtedly brings more business to the state, if only for a week. It also gives the state a chance to be more than an agricultural center that feeds the rest of us and lives down its unfortunate claim to fame as someplace where rock and roll legends come to crash their airplanes. More about that later, but my point is that we at Arteejee felt left out of the proceedings.

Thus we present the results of the first (and probably last and only) Arteejee Iowa Straw Poll! The voting constituency for this poll comprised me and my wife, Anne Marie. Our cat kids Steven and Meredith, who couldn’t be bothered with the complexities of national politics, sneered and abstained — courteously!

Our decisions were based on admittedly incomplete media coverage of the event. Thus this poll is totally unscientific and the results should not be construed as an endorsement of any candidate for next year’s election. Indeed, as of now, we intend to vote Democrat.

BEST FOOD SERVED AT THE IOWA STRAW POLL – Ron Paul

His barbecue easily won over Michele Bachmann’s corn dogs (Really, Michele! Corn dogs? In Iowa? What were you thinking?) and Rick Santorum’s home-made peach jam.

BEST ENTERTAINMENT AT THE IOWA STRAW POLL – Michele Bachmann

Bachmann’s campaign featured Randy Travis at her tent, which we believe was better than Santorum employing The Crickets (as in Buddy Holly and the...) and bagpipers. Oh yeah, I can just imagine that the Crickets have always held fond memories of playing Iowa ever since The Day the Music Died (see not very subtle rock and roll legends remark above). In this light, the bagpipers presence offered an interesting counterpoint to the otherwise festive politicking.

BEST SHOWING FOR A CANDIDATE NOT EVEN ENTERED ON THE BALLOT – Rick Perry

Watch out, Michele! This guy is hot!

WORST SHOWING FOR A CANDIDATE ON THE BALLOT – Tim Pawlenty

Okay, Mitt Romney did worse, but at least Pawlenty saw the writing on the big tent wall, and bowed out while Perry announced his candidacy at the same time the poll was being conducted.

VOTED LEAST LIKELY TO SUCCEED IN 2012 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION – Tim Pawlenty

VOTED BIGGEST WUSS/SORE LOSER – Tim Pawlenty

VOTED TOO STUBBORN TO REALIZE IT’S TIME TO PACK UP THEIR BIG TENT AND GO HOME – A four way tie between Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, Herman Cain, and Jon Huntsmann

Congratulations, gentlemen. Now pick up your John McCain Commemorative I-Did-Lousy-at-the-Iowa-Straw-Poll t-shirts and get the hell out of here!

VOTED MOST DESERVING TO GET CAUGHT IN A GAY SEX SCANDAL – Rick Santorum

Granted this has nothing to do with the Iowa Straw Poll, but it did come up in our voter’s discussions about the candidates and how we would like to see some of their campaigns end. This one was the most noteworthy, so I included it here.

VOTED WORST COVER VERSION OF “BAD BAD LEROY BROWN” – Frank Sinatra

Okay, again this is totally off subject, but I’ve been dying to work it in to one of my blog entries for months.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY A PROFESSIONAL POLITICAL COCK TEASE – Sarah Palin

Do you believe she had the cojones to come to the straw poll and upstage everyone with her demure “Oh, I don’t know if I’m running yet. Maybe I’ll announce next month...”? If she keeps this up much longer, the Republican Party establishment will get very frustrated with feelings of repression – political and sexual. And we all know what happened the last time a sexually repressed Republican Party went to the polls. That’s right, Richard Nixon...elected president!

A word to the wise should be sufficient!

(Thank you for reading. Corn dogs! She had the nerve to serve corn dogs! I mean, aren’t they so plentiful in Iowa that they’re, like, lying all over the streets?)

1 Comments:

Anonymous Janey said...

STOP THE PRESSES!!! Contact The New York Times! I have a gay sex tape of Rick Santorum, one which brings a whole new lurid meaning to his "man on dog" comment of a few years ago!

August 16, 2011 at 10:19 PM  

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