Snort Notes – December 2011 (Congressional Follies)

REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFUL MICHELE BACHMANN CLARIFIES THAT GAY MEN AND WOMEN ALREADY HAVE THE RIGHT TO MARRY AS LONG AS THEY MARRY MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX

Before we skewer this bit of logic (which could only make sense in Michele’s tiny, narrow world view), we should thank her for her entry this week in the “Ann Coulter: Oops! I Really Stuck My High Heels in My Mouth This Time Award” competition. Now let us bring on the skewers...

Perhaps this would be a good time to point out to Michele that marriage between two people who want to commit themselves to sharing a lifetime together is based on honesty and integrity. The type of marriage or “arrangement” which she proposes is not a novel or new idea. In fact, it’s been done for generations, where one or both people in the “arrangement” are gay, but they pretend to be heterosexual for the benefit of the world at large. If they are forced to pretend to be something that they are not — and please, Michele, stop me if I lose you on this point — then they are not being honest with themselves and the world around them.

(Thanks Michele! Now I’m channeling Dr. Joyce Brothers! Thanks a lot!)

The two people in this relationship obviously work out their own parameters of what is or isn’t acceptable when it comes to moments of physical intimacy between themselves or others outside of their “arrangement”. This should be a major “duh” moment for you, Michele! In real life, such situations create endless complications, although in dramaturgy it can create good material for any number of Rock Hudson/Doris Day romantic style comedies from the 1960s.

My point is that there is a certain amount of deception inherent in this type of relationship, which could be seen as violating the two tenets of traditional marriage: honesty and integrity. Many people in the gay community are tired of the deception and now want to be able to be open and honest about their committed relationships with their partners and with the world at large. They want to participate and embrace the concept of marriage in the spirit in which marriage was intended with full honesty and 100% integrity.

Why is this so hard for you to understand, you conservative twit?

IN A LEGISLATIVE VICTORY FOR FROZEN PIZZA MANUFACTURERS, CONGRESS DECLARES THAT PIZZA IS A VEGETABLE

This latest display of Washington intelligence occurred when pizza manufacturers realized that new school lunch requirements, which mandate that students be offered more vegetables for their noon respite, could mean a drop in demand for their product. Their lobbyists had their work cut out for them, but they did it. They succeeded in convincing Congress that, since tomato sauce is used as a base for the pizza, then the entire pie could be counted as a vegetable. Thus Congress thumbed their nose at common scientific botanical knowledge, and gave the finger to Mother Nature.

I asked my Weight Watchers instructor if she had heard about this Congressional action. She mused that it could be counted as a vegetable if they included something like broccoli as a topping. My Weight Watchers instructor is a very intelligent person when it comes to the topic of food consumption and weight loss, but obviously the finer nuances of government stupidity are lost on her. Pity! But I digress...

If Congress has made this bold step, then obviously they know that the technology exists which will enable us to grow pizzas whole and naturally. Imagine, pizzas will be America’s next cash crop! We will no longer have to wait for farmers to grow wheat and convert it to flour, or grow the grains which they will feed to their cows that make the milk which will be aged into cheese, and grow the tomatoes which will be converted into sauce, and then have everything slapped together and baked by perhaps illegal immigrants at your local pizzeria. In the future, we should be able to walk into our neighborhood farm supply and buy packets of seed which will enable us to grow pizzas in our backyards! Oh boy! I can hardly wait!

I just thought of something...what about pepperoni pizza? Will the seed for the pepperoni pizza have to be cross-pollinated to create a hybrid? I hope scientists are working on this problem right now.

Oh, wait another minute! I wonder if pizzeria owners have their own lobby. Maybe we won’t be able to grow our own pizzas in our backyard patches after all...

Anyway we should all thank Congress for their bold and new botanical vision. We should thank them now, and vote them out next year for this display of Washingtonian stupidity.

OPENLY GAY LIBERAL JEWISH CONGRESSMAN BARNEY FRANK (D–MA) ANNOUNCES HIS RETIREMENT FROM CONGRESS

Now here is a visionary: he has seen the writing on the wall and has noted the anti-incumbent mood of the country. Here is a man who knows when it is time to get out. Obviously he has looked around at the legislative paralysis afflicting both houses of Congress and has thrown his hands up in surrender. Some may see his action as cowardly, while others may see it as the wisdom of a veteran legislature who realizes it’s time for some new blood to move the country forward.

Liberals will hate to see Barney Frank go; conservatives are already licking their chops at the prospect of electing one of their like-minded people to succeed Frank. Liberals will miss Frank’s combative style in his quest to improve the lives of the downtrodden. Conservatives — many of them working for Fox — have noted that the representative’s combativeness could be seen as bullying towards his colleagues and his aides.

So be it! The US Capitol is an immense pressure cooker of interests and political intrigue. The rigors of the job can make ordinarily good-natured people with the purest of motives do strange things. And by strange, I mean like voting for pizza, or having delusions that certain people do not have the same rights as everyone else. When these people stoop to such shenanigans, then maybe the electorate is justified in their feelings towards Congress. In this case, many members of Congress deserve to get a time out.

(Thank you for reading.)