Snort Notes – July 2012

PRESUMPTIVE REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE MITT ROMNEY DISPLAYS HIS EXPERTISE AT DIPLOMACY WHILE TOURING THE UNITED KINGDOM; THE BRITISH ARE NOT AMUSED.

Dear United Kingdom, 

We, the American people, most humbly come before you today to apologize most profusely and with all sincerity for comments made by the jackass who wants to lead our country.

We know that it was very rude for him to make condescending statements about your country’s preparedness for the Olympics, the hosting of which is probably the biggest public relations coup your country has enjoyed in quite a while. Granted, your monarchy has been celebrating its special anniversary all year, but there is something unique about the Olympics that makes it a very special celebration. We hope Mittney’s embarrassing performance did not detract from your well-deserved revelry.

We can offer no excuse for his boorish behavior. His reference to your Prime Minister as “Mr. Leader” was shocking; his mentioning of meeting with your intelligence service MI6 was a terrible breach of protocol. Honestly, we believe that he was not vetted very well by his advisors. They should have told him that the Prime Minister’s name is um, oh, I know it’s not Churchill or Majors, well, you know to whom I’m referring. Similarly, they should have told him not to mention his meeting with your spy network, rather than - as an inmate in the big house might put it - “sing like a bird.”

I think I know what you’re thinking, John Bull! With friends like Mitt Romney, who needs Al-Qaeda!

We Americans have a quaint way of getting passed such embarrassing episodes; we just tell ourselves, “Well, consider the source.” I mean, what do you expect from a man who has expressed a fondness for dismissing workers (“I like to fire people!"), who actively disavows his greatest achievement as a politician (Massachusetts health care reform), and I don’t even want to mention the humiliation to which he subjected the family dog. So let’s get past his indiscretions and enjoy the games. Believe me, once he comes home, we, the liberal media, will give him a good stern talking to. We may even smack him in the nose with a rolled-up newspaper, but we won’t tie him to the roof of our car. That definitely shouldn’t happen to a dog!

England, please forgive Romney for his transgressions.

AMERICA’S FIRST FEMALE ASTRONAUT, SALLY RIDE, DIES. HONORED AND REMEMBERED AS A PIONEER IN SCIENCE AND AN INSPIRATION TO AMERICAN GIRLS EVERYWHERE.  AND OH, DID YOU KNOW SHE WAS GAY?

Not that Ride’s sexuality ever mattered before, or should matter now. I thought I was the only one who didn’t know about this part of her life when I read this revelation at the end of her obituary. We have since found out that she and her partner wrote the obituary themselves; in other words, they planned it so Ride would come out just as she was leaving us.  

From a public relations standpoint, this was a brilliant move. She still lived her life as she wanted - in private, contributed God only knows how much to our knowledge of science, educated countless numbers of people in the same discipline, and then, at the moment of truth, admitted her sexuality so that she would not have to face the questions and controversy of the resulting maelstrom brought on by the 24/7 news media cycle. In any event, the timing worked for her, and no one should second guess her when she came out.

Unfortunately, members of the gay community seemed to be doing exactly that. I have not heard many condemnations from the straight community; at the moment we have bigger chickens to fry (see below). Some in the gay press, on the other hand, are decrying the way she handled her coming out, saying she could have been a living role model to young lesbians everywhere. While true, it is also true that she always has been a role model and will continue to be a role model in death. The whole situation points up how far tolerance for gays has to go in this country, and, in that respect, Ride’s timing of her coming out says more about our culture's acceptance of her God-given sexuality. 

I have been blessed to be born with a sexuality that society, culture, tradition, whatever, deems to be “acceptable” or “normal” (and I abhor both terms in this context). As a straight male, I assume I am not meant to fathom the emotional and psychological tug-of-war each gay person goes through in deciding how to live their lives in a world that is hostile to them simply because they are being themselves. I can only imagine this struggle since I have the luxury of being considered “normal.” 

Sally Ride surmounted this struggle, lived her life the way she saw fit, and left us not only with lifetime of scientific achievements, but a valuable lesson about how American society supports and accepts our fellow human beings. She has now moved on, and so should we.

RIP, Ms. Ride.

CHICK FIL-A PRESIDENT DAN CATHY REITERATES HIS COMPANY’S ANTI-GAY MARRIAGE STANCE. TOLERANT PEOPLE EVERYWHERE ARE NOT AMUSED.

Cathy, son of Chick Fil-A founder Truett Cathy, reaffirmed his company’s opposition to gay marriage in an interview with Baptist Press. This is in keeping true to the founder's Christian beliefs, so it should not have been a surprise. It is the only fast food outlet I know that forsakes billions in profits so it can close on the Christian Sabbath, Sunday. 

Okay, so I can respect that. However, the tolerant amongst us are having a hard time with their views on what we consider to be a civil rights issue. The respect stops here.

So, let’s get the silly jokes out of the way now. So I guess Chick Fil-A’s policy will mean we won’t see any “Sally Ride Commemorative Kids Meals with Free Science Experiment” served anytime soon. I can only imagine that the Boy Scouts of America are chomping at the bit to make Chick Fil-A their official fast food outlet. On the plus side, this might mean that Chick Fil-A won’t enter a float in any gay pride parade anytime soon. Yes, we’ll be spared the sight of a slow-moving wheeled Biblical tableau depicting true believers stoning homosexuals with fried chicken breasts.

(Okay, that last one crossed the line. Sorry.)

Predictably, the media maelstrom that would have engulfed Sally Ride’s coming out descended instead on Chick Fil-A. The gay community and their gay marriage tolerant allies denounced Cathy’s statement. Corporations such as The Jim Henson Company have severed their lucrative deal with the chain, citing their decades long commitment to diversity. Gay rights groups have planned events to protest the restaurant (National Same Sex Kiss Day, August 3), and various schemes have been launched on Facebook to raise money for gay marriage advocacy groups. The Christian values lobby, led by former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee, has also used Facebook to generate interest for Chick Fil-A Appreciation Day (August 1).

Huckabee, an ordained Southern Baptist minister, has decried the attitude that God-fearing Christians are being cast as bigots in this instance. I’ll agree with him on that point; just being Christian doesn’t automatically make you prejudiced against other people’s cultures. I know many Christians who I would never believe to be hate mongers. Hell, I consider myself a Christian, but I don’t consider myself intolerant. However, Cathy’s attitude is INTOLERANT, and should be considered as such not only from a civil rights viewpoint, but also as a moral point of view.

No one had thought about putting deep fried chicken between two sides of bread before Chick Fil-A was founded in 1967. Since then, other fast food entrepreneurs have seen the light and have offered their own versions of the chicken sandwich. Cathy’s chain can no longer claim sole ownership of this delicacy. At the time of his anti-gay marriage pronouncement, he thanked God that “we live in a country where we can share our values and operate on Biblical principles.”

Let me add to that: I thank God that Chick Fil-A is no longer the only chicken sandwich in town.

(Thank you for reading! To hell with beef! To hell with “chikin”! Eat more vegetables!)