Snort Bites - 2012 Election Edition

Now that the dust has settled everywhere except one state (see Florida below), we can look back with fond and not so fond memories on the recently passed election cycle.

BARACK OBAMA IS RE-ELECTED TO A SECOND TERM

I stayed up past midnight to watch history happen when our first African-American president won re-election. More importantly, democracy won over big money, the biggest, hugest, mother-effin pile of cash ever raised! The Super Pacs — the newest phenomenon in politics (I think I’ll ask Santa to bring me one for Christmas) — had a chance to swing the pendulum of power towards the conservative philosophy, but blew it. This proves once again that no matter how much money you throw at a pile of shit, it’s still going to be shit! I know, that was eloquently stated, but damn it, somebody had to say it!

CONSERVATIVE PUNDITS AND EGOS CAST SOUR GRAPES ON THE ELECTORATE'S DECISION

The criticism about the election going Obama’s way started even before all the votes were counted (see Florida below). The Donald (last name withheld because it’s not worth the megabytes to print) called the election a “sham” and called for a revolution in a tweet that he later deleted. Blog sex kitten Sarah Palin registered disbelief that Americans would vote for increasing the deficit at the expense of future generations of Americans. Actually, Sarah, I seriously doubt that Americans had this at the front of their minds when they entered the voting booth. I’m guessing that the mantra on most voters’ minds at that time was “Jobs, jobs, jobs!” The deficit, which should be a major concern, is not as tangible as the thought of gaining employment and using the earnings to better the lives of yourselves and those around you.

Then there was the most serious case of mass delusion and denial ever seen on American television: former Bush adviser Karl Rove’s performance on Fox News. Two other television networks had already declared Obama the winner when Ohio was determined to be in the president’s column, and good ole Karl couldn’t bring himself to believe it. He insisted that it was too early to call because large chunks of Republican strong precincts had not reported in. He thought for sure that Romney could still pull off a landslide victory. In the end, cooler heads at Fox News (yes, apparently there are some rational people working at Fox News) prevailed and called Obama the victor. Until that happened though, the news set got a little, how would the French put it…messy! Rove all but threw himself on the floor, kicking and screaming like a three year old who’s been denied his favorite treat.

Karl’s problem wasn’t just the fact that votes were not being counted (I notice he didn’t give a damn about Florida), but that he was also a leader of one of the biggest anti-Obama super pacs. If Obama won the election, then he might have a hard time explaining to all of his donors where the money went. Well, Karl, I don’t know why I’m doing this but I’ll make a suggestion to help you out of your jam with your donors. 

  

Just tell them that you took everybody out to lunch on Chick Fil-A Appreciation Day. Yes, tell them you blew the whole wad of $100 million on deep-fried, artery hating meat by-products stuck inside a bun. If they still don’t believe you spent all their money on one meal, then you can tell them Mike Huckabee insisted on going back for seconds! 

AS WE GO TO PRESS, THE STATE OF FLORIDA MAY BE FINISHED VOTING IN THE GENERAL ELECTION (OR MAYBE NOT)

Florida, which was the center of the political universe in 2000, could not get all of its citizens in and out of the voting booth on time this year. These people were trying to do the right thing by voting, but their efforts were stifled by a (do I really have to say this) Republican led state leadership. Governor Rick Scott denied a request to lengthen voting hours during Florida’s early voting season. The result was American voters waiting in lines for anywhere from 6 to 9 hours for the chance to exercise their constitutional right.

This will be the year when the term Republican became synonymous with “voter suppression”. If you don’t believe me, look at the word usage in the liberal media this last year. Not that I’m complaining about this development; I’m just saying…

I certainly hope the good people of Florida will look back on this election, remember how the governor made their voting experience truly traumatic, and send him packing when he’s up for re-election. You may want to update your resume soon, guv’ner.

In the meantime, Florida, pick yourself up, dust off your britches, count your votes, and submit them so the Electoral College will have them in plenty of time to confirm Barack Obama’s re-election. You’ll want to hurry up because the rest of the country is not waiting for you. We are moving forward!

IN THE WAKE OF THE ELECTION, POLITICAL ADS ON RADIO AND TELEVISION HAVE MAGICALLY DISAPPEARED

I believe that I speak for many of us when I celebrate this event by quoting Slim Pickens in Dr. Strangelove when he said:

“Waaaaaaaaaaaaa Hooooooooooo! Yaaaaaa Hoo! Wooooooooo! Wooooo! Woo….

(Thank you for reading!  And have a nice weekend!)