Snort Bites - May 2013

Before we begin, let us extol the virtues of parentheses. According to a grammar oriented website — yes, I looked them up — these one-third circle symbols are used to clarify an idea, or as an aside. It is as the latter purpose which we will use (or abuse) to great effect today.

THE CLASSICAL MUSIC WORLD CELEBRATES THE BICENTENNIAL OF RICHARD WAGNER’S BIRTH

Well, truly a milestone to mark! Happy Birthday Dickie! (You racist scumbag!) May your glorious melodies inspire and enthrall generations to come. (Members of the Hitler Youth are so much easier to identify when they goose step around the bonfires to the Ring cycle!)

BOY SCOUTS OF AMERICA LIFT THEIR BAN AGAINST GAY SCOUTS

This week’s progressive half step brought the expected praises from the liberal left and condemnation from conservatives and church leaders. Some are threatening to pull their sons out of the troops and form their own organization. (God speed! Don’t let the canvas flaps from the I. Goldberg Army/Navy store issued tents hit you in your homophobic asses on the way out!)

While a major change for the scouts, it is only a half step because grown gay males are still banned from leadership positions. (Still buying into that old myth that all homosexuals are pedophiles, eh, Baden-Powell?) It’s probably too early to tell if there will be obvious signs of change, like stirring up more interesting conversations around the campfire, but at least young gay males will be afforded the opportunity to learn useful skills along with their straight counterparts. It is a breakthrough that many are welcoming, and just as many are moaning. (Deal with it, moaners!)

FOX NEWS CONDEMNS DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE’S INVESTIGATION OF ONE OF THEIR REPORTERS

Reports that Eric Holder’s Department of Justice (Now doesn’t that sound like a hip name for a new vocal soul group?) secretly subpoenaed phone records at the Associated Press were overshadowed a day later that Fox News was also targeted for investigation. It seems the entire network went on the defensive, with tales that would make one think that the Obama administration was rounding up reporters into cattle cars and shipping them off to a secret camp. One Fox radio host even told her listeners that if they encounter anyone who voted for Obama, then punch them in the face. (Hey, babe! Here I am! I voted for Obama! Take your best shot! Then I'll sue your ass for assault!)

While the investigation would, on the surface, seem to be suspect (After all, Fox News and Obama have always had a cordial relationship; they go hand-in-hand like pork chops and apple sauce…not! Now you know what I had for dinner last night!), we must not discount the possibility that the Department of Justice might actually (you know, maybe, kind of, sort of) have true probable cause to suspect that one of their reporters is a co-conspirator in a threat to national security. Not that we may ever find out now: all of the threatened congressional investigations into Justice’s inquiries may derail Holder’s quest for truth (and the American way, blah, blah, blah. Hell, it may derail Holder himself!). Time will tell if we are mature enough to accept the possibility that members of a respected news organization (Ha! Snort!) could be a threat to the nation, and to allow the investigations to proceed to their natural conclusion. (Maturity? In Washington? Yeah, right, what the hell am I thinking?  Holder may want to consider switching careers from lawyer to MSNBC commentator!)

OKLAHOMA TORNADOES DEVASTATE ENTIRE TOWN AND FLATTEN TWO SCHOOLS

The media have covered the damage and recovery efforts in Oklahoma (not OK this week) and have highlighted the hypocrisy of the state’s two Senators, who earlier voted to gut FEMA and now have their hands out to assist their citizens. (Senators from Hurricane Sandy ravaged states should make a point of their hypocrisy when funding for the disaster comes up for debate, but the Obama administration - you know, the feared fascist overreacher of government — has already approved the funding.) Comments from the Westboro Baptist Church about the tornadoes have also made the news. These subtle champions of God and morality (Ha! Snort!) blame Oklahoma’s storm woes on its acceptance of homosexuals.

You know, this doesn’t rate as a snide aside. Parentheses be damned! I’ll just put this right up front: hey WBC, shut your effin’ pieholes NOW!

(Thank you for reading! Happy Memorial Day!)