Messages Left on the Answering Machine: Darrell Issa

Time for another edition of historical theory, wherein we propose a possible event of significant importance to our culture, society, and/or world view which may or may not have actually happened. In this entry, we listen in on a transcript of possible messages left recently on a certain congressman’s voice mail. Come along! It’s fun and maybe only slightly libelous.

You have reached the voice mail for Republican representative Darrell Issa.  Please leave your message after the beep.

(BEEP)

Mitch McConnell: Hey Darrell, this is Mitch. Look, I think your heart is in the right place for going after Obama, but you may want to tone it down a bit. It can give the Democrats ammunition to use against us. Call me!

(BEEP)

MALE VOICE (criminal stereotype): Yo Darrell! I need a hot ride for this Saturday night. It’s gotta be fast so I can outrun the cops! Someone told me that someone told him that you were the guy that could make this happen. Here’s my number…(remainder of transcript deleted by Eric Holder.)

(BEEP)

John Boehner: Darrell, it’s John. Great job you’re doing on Obama! Seriously, I can’t complain, but you may be overreaching with your rants about “scandal” and “paid liars”. We don’t want to make Obama look sympathetic to the public.

(BEEP)

FEMALE VOICE (tough sounding): Hi Darrell! You don’t know me, but someone told me that you might be able to fix a little problem I have. Ya see, I got this sweet little business going and some other bitch is crowding my territory, if you know what I mean. I need something to happen to her establishment, like a lightning strike or something, if you know what I mean. Anyway, someone told me you might have some experience in this type of work, if you know what I mean.

(BEEP)

Newt Gingrich: Hi Darrell! I need to warn you about all of your incendiary talk about Obama. Don’t get me wrong, I hate his policies too, but take it from an old pro, you don’t want to go so far out that people believe you’re the villain. We tried it with Clinton in ’98! Sure, we impeached him, but we couldn’t get him thrown out of office. Now, 15 years later, people love him more than ever, and our party can’t do anything right. Oh, gotta go! I’m on duty tonight and it’s time to feed the elephants.

(BEEP)

MALE VOICE (may be redneck accented, but definite country twang): Hey Darrell, I got a nice shootin’ iron here you might be interested in…and don’t worry about your old arrest for carrying a concealed weapon. There are still no background checks.

(BEEP)

Jay Carney: Darrell, it’s Jay! I just want to end another long day of lying to the American people from my lectern inside the White House to call and see how you’re doing. Oh yeah, I can give you these tidbits! Global warming doesn’t exist, Oswald didn’t act alone, and grease is not the word! Ha! Got ya! You know I’m a liar! But I’m still working in the White House, and you’re not! Nyah, nyah, nyah!

(BEEP)

Boehner:  (sobbing) Please, Darrell, dial it back! (sniff) You’re going to wreck our party’s chances in 2014. (blows nose)

(BEEP)

Eric Holder: Hello, Darrell. I’ve just been going through your phone records and man! It looks like you got a direct hotline to Roger Ailes!

(BEEP)

McConnell: Darrell, back off!

(BEEP)

Gingrich: Darrell, heel! Heel, I said! Now sit! Good boy! Ow! Shit! Damn elephants!

(BEEP)

(Thank you for reading. Please leave a message and someone from the NSA will get back to you.)