Snort Bites – April 2014

RECALCITRANT NEVADA RANCHER CLIVEN BUNDY DENIES BEING A RACIST AFTER OFFERING HIS OPINIONS ON WHETHER AFRICAN AMERICANS ARE BETTER OFF BEING ENSLAVED OR ON WELFARE

Prior to Bundy airing his thoughts on the state of the African American community - and being an old white guy he’s clearly an expert on the subject - the rancher drew hundreds of supporters from the Patriot movement and the media. Many of the Patriots/Survivalists/conservative right-wing lunatics came to his ranch armed to the teeth and itching to have a good old-fashioned shoot out with the guvmint!

Brave men going up against the big, bad federal government. Yeah, so brave that they vowed to put a line of women in between themselves and armed federal authorities. Of course, this would have been an international embarrassment for the country with images of the government shooting on unarmed women, not to mention what their women folk must think to be used as human shields!

Anyway, Bundy made his thoughts known, and ever since his most passionate supporters have been running away from him. They should never have given this law breaker any support ever! Pay your grazing fees, moocher! I realize that I will be another old white guy in a few years, but let me say this now. Are you, old white guy Bundy, better off breaking federal law by not paying your fees? Don’t you think other people are tired of seeing people like you who have their hands out every month for their Social Security checks? And you expect to have Medicare pick up 80% of their allowed amount for your medical needs, while you deny expanding the same benefits to younger Americans? And then you go whining to Faux News, “Waaaa!!! They’re persecuting me!”

Again I say, “PAY UP, MOOCHER!”

AUDIO TAPE IS RELEASED OF PHONE CONVERSATION BETWEEN LA CLIPPERS OWNER DONALD STERLING AND HIS MISTRESS, IN WHICH HE ORDERS HER NOT TO BRING BLACK PEOPLE TO THE GAMES

Oh, wow! It’s Old White Guys Saying Stupid Things Week on Arteejee!

Okay, let me get this straight. This guy owns a team in a sport that is dominated by African Americans, is massively supported by the African American community through their ticket and sponsorship dollars, and has given the same community numerous role models for their young people…and he doesn’t want them coming to his games?!!! WTF!

The NBA is scheduled to address the controversy today, but the economic fallout has already started. Numerous sponsors have severed their ties with the Clippers organization. Unfortunately, there is no law against him spouting stupidity; there may not be any civil rights sanctions to level against him. However he will suffer the revenge of free market capitalism. Let the boycotts begin!

POPE FRANCIS CANNONIZES TWO OF HIS PREDECESSORS IN A SUNDAY CERMONY AT THE VATICAN

Finally…an old white guy doing something that doesn’t embarrass his gender or age group!

This canonization of Popes John XXIII and John Paul II was unprecedented in the church’s history. This was their first ever double-header. (Yeah, I know! God will get me for that sports analogy!)

This event clearly demonstrates that the senior clergy are not unionized. Can you imagine the Church having to pay triple time and a half for working overtime on Sunday? (Yeah, I know. That’s strike two!)

Pope Francis had a very busy Sunday. I hope he gets to take the rest of the week off, or at least was allowed to take a long nap Sunday afternoon! So what does he do with the rest of his work week to top Sunday? Hey, here’s a suggestion, perform a miracle on Cliven Bundy and Donald Sterling, so that their mouths are hermetically sealed for the rest of their natural lives.

We can only pray that something like this could happen…

(Thank you for reading! Happy birthday to my “little” brother Don!)