The Day After the Night Before

This morning in a burrow somewhere near Punxatawny PA, our favorite rodent might be having this dialogue with himself...

“Oh my God! What the eff did I drink last night? Ow, my head. The last thing I remember passing out in the third quarter and…"

(Phone rings.)

"Hello? Vinnie! You weasel! What the hell did you put in my cosmo? What do you mean you won our bet? Did the Steelers lose the Big Game? What, they weren’t playing? You told me they were playing the Seahawks! That’s not a fair bet, Vinny! You lied to me! Hello? Hello? Effin' weasel!"

(Slams phone down.)

"Ow, that noise hurt my head! I better take it reaaaal slow this morning and not make any loud…"

(Banging on door.)

"Ow! Do you mind? I’ve got the biggest hangover a groundhog can have and you’re…that’s it! I’m swearing off alfalfa casserole!"

(Banging continues.)

"Owww! What is your problem? Come back later already! Sheesh! It’s not like its Groundhog…oh shit! No, no, no, no, no, no…it can’t be today! Where’s that calendar? Here, ah, it’s Monday, February…oh shit! I’m effd! I’m effd!"

(More banging on the door; louder and more insistent.)

"All right! All right! I’m not ready! Who the hell scheduled the Super Bowl the night before my big day? My one day to shine all year! Damn you, Goodell! I hope all your balls lose their air!"

"All right, let me get a grip here. I can do this…all I got to do is open my eyes and tell them if I saw my effin' shadow or not! I’ve faked it before and…damn,  why can’t I focus my eyes? Damn that weasel and his spiked cosmos!"

(Banging on door continues.)

"Yeah, all right! Hold on to your top hats, will ya? You got a sick groundhog down here! Maybe I can get one of my cousins to fill in for me. Where’s Gus’* number?"

(Beeping and booping is heard on a cell phone key pad.)

"He hasn’t been able to find work since the Pennsylvania Lottery shoved his little rodent ass out the door and he owes me a favor or two…hello, Gus? Hey, it’s Phil! Can you do me a favor? I need…what? Damn! I’ve gone straight to voice mail! Yeah, you keep on scratching, pal! Keep scratching that STD you got years ago!"

(Banging on door, followed by the rusty creaking of a large door opening.)

"No, no, I’m not ready, I tell ya! No, no, don’t pick me up!"

(Voice on loudspeaker from beyond the door as harsh sunlight fills the burrow.)

Voice: "Here he is, ladies and gentlemen! The groundhog of the hour! Punxatawny Phil!"

"No, no, put me down! Put me back! Please, let me get another hour of sleep! I am so NOT ready for my close up! Arrrrggghhh!"

*Gus – animatronic groundhog used by the Pennsylvania Lottery Board to advertise their scratch off games (2004-2012). His tagline was “Keep on scratchin’!”

(Thank you for reading! Boo Patriots!)