arteejee

A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Seeping Through a Writer’s Block



I’m having the worst case of winter doldrums I can remember having. There’s a variety of reasons for this, which may or may not be ripe for future blog fodder. In the meantime, the following ruminations were able to seep through my writer’s block.

A car commercial has caught my attention a few times in the last month. It tells the heart-warming tale of a man who finds a lost dog in San Francisco and discovers that his new found furry friend has a Seattle address on his tag. The man, with nothing better to do than drive 807.5 miles*, decides to do a road trip and take his best new buddy home.

It’s good deed time!  

A quick montage ensues: scenes of the dog in the front seat, panting excitedly next to the driver, who is relaxed, happy, and maneuvering his car with the greatest of ease up the highways of the Pacific Northwest! Overall the road trip is a great bonding experience for man and beast!

So I can’t help wondering what each of them is thinking! I can only speculate…

DRIVER: Good dog, yes, you’re a good dog! Yes, this is crazy, but what the hell! It’ll be worth it if it gets this guy back to the people who love him. They must miss their pooch. It’ll be so gratifying to see the look on their faces! Or maybe…just maybe his owner is a hot Latina chick that looks like Sofia Vergara**. Maybe she’ll be very grateful and I’ll get laid! This could be a great weekend after all! Hmm…this may take awhile. I wonder if there are any pet friendly motels in the middle of Oregon?

And what could the dog be thinking?

DOG: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! We’re going for a ride! Where are we going? Oww, Seattle? Great! I know a great coffee shop there! In fact, I know a few thousand great coffee shops there. They're easy to find because they’re all called Star… oh a tree! Can we stop? I got to mark it! Oww, another tree! Please, can’t we…oh, there’s another one and another one and…I’ve never seen so many trees at once! I hope I have enough piss in me to mark them all! Oh, please can’t we stop yet? I’ve…I’ve…Oh My Dog!     
REDWOOOOOOOOOOOODDDSSS!!!!

So the man and the dog get to Seattle, present themselves at the address on the dog’s tag, and find out that the owners had moved to San Francisco last week. Our human hero, obviously possessing the patience of a saint with the ability to handle extreme disappointment well, happily gets back into his car with his canine buddy and drives back 807.5 miles to San Francisco, hoping like hell he won’t face dognapping charges.

Their thoughts on the return trip?

DRIVER: Oh well! So I drove up here for nothing! It was a good weekend, and this car has a nice, smooth ride and…hmm…what is this car anyway? I guess I should return it to the dealership once I drop off my buddy.

DOG: Harrumph! Nice ride indeed! We rode all the way to Seattle and didn’t get so much as a pound of ground House Blend. Hey, can we stop to get a t-shirt on the way home? I want one that reads "I went all the way to Seattle and all I got is a t-shirt, but no doggone cup of coffee!" You thought you were gonna get humped when you got up there? I could’ve told you that! My owners are a nice lesbian couple! Why do you think they moved to San Francisco***? You’ll get a thank you, a few smiles, but carnally you’ll get squat! Boy, what a dumb…oww, a tree! Can we stop? Can we? Can we? Can we?

And sometimes writer’s block can be a good thing.

*I looked it up! Nyah!

**Yes, I have been getting hooked on Modern Family between car commercials.

***I know! I know! The dog is stereotyping like crazy now. Bad! Bad dog! Bad!

(Thank you for reading. Hmmm, House Blend!)

3 Comments:

Blogger Ur-spo said...

It's a dog's life, indeed.

March 10, 2015 at 11:12 PM  
Blogger todd gunther said...

Thank you, Spo. Yes, rowf, woof and bark!

March 15, 2015 at 3:52 PM  
Blogger Nadege said...

It would make a great script!

March 21, 2015 at 5:52 PM  

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