The Trump Egoectomy

(We now join a press conference in progress from the Tip O’Neill Institute of Moderate Political Progress…)

Dr. Gollywog:  “…all this confusion and misperceptions about the candidates in this primary season are not doing our beloved democracy any good.   And the misperception is on both sides.

“Take Bernie Sanders, running for the Democratic nomination.  His opponents are painting him as a card-carrying communist.   While his ideas for America may carry the country further towards socialistic governance, it is very doubtful that he, being only one man, will instantly remake America into a socialist country.  He would have to contend with and pass everything through Congress.  And we’ve all seen how effective that branch of our government has been during the last seven years."

Press: (collective chuckle from the assemblage of journalists).

Gollywog:  "Which is why we shouldn’t fear that Sanders, if elected, that all Americans will be required to own Chairman Mao’s Little Red Book.   Yes, you have a question Mr. Crit?"

Rhett Crit:  "Yes, with Breitbart News…"

Gollywog: (raising an eyebrow): "Breitbart, Mr. Crit?"

Crit:  "Yeah, what can I say?  They had a few openings. Anyway, would you make the same case for Donald Trump?"

Gollywog:  "Ah, yes, the Donald.  (Sigh.)  America’s problem child!  Yes, we can see misperceptions about the Donald."

Press: (collective gasp from the crowd).

Gollywog:  "I know, I know what you’re thinking!  He has presented himself as a xenophobic, racist, serial liar who refuses to take responsibility for his incendiary rhetoric.  Let’s quickly review that he has voiced a desire to send undesirables back to Mexico and force that sovereign nation to build a wall without actually conquering the country first; he wants to deny Muslims the right to enter our borders simply based on the actions of a relatively small number of violent extremists; and he wants to endanger your own profession, ladies and gentlemen of the press by loosening libel laws in this country."

Press: Rhubarb, rhubarb! (and other terms of collective murmuring from the crowd).

Gollywog:  "We should also note that his rhetoric is openly encouraging his supporters to acts of violence against those with a contrary point of view.  Both sides are simply exercising their First Amendment rights, yet the protesters opposing The Donald’s point of view are being declared the problem.

"Then, even as the violence rises, we see opposing forces aligning against Trump.  The Republican Party establishment is trying to mount a counter movement which could deny Trump the nomination for President.  Then also there are the denunciations of the violence from Trump's fellow nominees, Rubio and Kasich.  Then also the most damaging evidence of that entire Trump is being misperceived by his opponents.

"In recent days, a prominent American has come out doubting that the campaign trail Trump is not the true Trump, not the Trump she knows.  This person has stated that she knows Trump to be delightful and charming to be with.  Witness also a photograph of her with Trump which has been making the rounds of the Internet.  In the photo she and Trump are standing next to each other and smiling.  Of course it’s an old photo when she was First Lady…"

 

Press:  (aghast murmuring).

Crit:  "No, not Hillary?"

Gollywog:  "Yes, Trump’s potential political foe, Hillary Clinton.   Why would a political enemy of the Donald, who is competing for the same job, say such a thing unless she actually believed it to be true?

Faced with these realities of our current political landscape we have few options to deal with this problem.   We, progressive thinking Americans of all stripes, can wring our hands over and over for the next seven months and mutter, “Trump, what an asshole, what a jerk!”  

Press:  "Asshole!  Jerk!  Rhubarb!"

Gollywog:  "Or, we can deal with the problem of the Trump scientifically.  At least one set of pundits* has suggested that the Trump we see on the political stump is more ego than the actual person.  And this makes sense for at least one reason; how could The Donald be so successful as a salesman and entrepreneur with such a condescending, hateful attitude towards potential customers?  A racist attitude would certainly reduce the size of his market and in the end be self-defeating.  It is for this reason, with the future of American democracy at stake, that we are proposing a radical surgical procedure for Donald Trump: total egoectomy.

Crit: "Removal of his ego?  Will this help?"

Gollywog:  "Actually it’s such a new procedure we don’t have any evidence of its advantages, but it is hoped that the results will yield a new Trump, a lovable, cuddly, teddy bear of a man who will walk the streets of Calcutta ministering to the poor and downtrodden of the world."

Crit: "I’m having a hard time picturing your vision of Trump."

Gollywog:  "That’s the liberal in you talking, Crit."

Crit:  "What about potential side effects?"

Gollywog:  "Well, yes there could be negative results.  For instance, if Trump proves to be more ego than actual human, then the operation could result in Mr. Trump's lapse into a vegetative state for the rest of his life."

Crit:  "Is there also a chance he could die?

Gollywog: "Yes, there is that possibility, but given his efforts to degrade our political system into mob rule, we don’t necessarily see that as a downside.

Press: "Rhubarb!  Rhubarb!  Rhubarb!"

Crit:  "Aww, parsnips!"

Gollywog:   "Parsnips?   Why parsnips, Mr. Crit?"

Crit: "Because I’m tired of saying rhubarb!"

*Morning Joe, MSNBC, 3/14/16.

(Thank you for reading!  Remember, folks, satire, satire, satire!)