Talking TURP

Sometimes I need to take a time out from plunging the metaphorical swords of mockery into the hearts of those enemies who annoy us the most.  Fortunately, he is out of the country this weekend, and if anyone at ICE has any balls they might do well to revoke his citizenship.   

It’s at these times when I must muse over more personal matters, much to the embarrassment of my blog readers.

Sorry, blog readers, but sad to say that today is that day and your luck has run out.   Let’s talk TURP.

TURP is an acronym for a surgical procedure that is performed to — and I am being as delicate as I can be — allow the flow of certain waste materials to leave the body without undue blockage of said liquid or undue discomfort to the person experiencing the blockage.  It is easier to explain in terms approved by the Roger Ailes Memorial Institute for Modern Political Strategy, Double Entendres and Other Sexual Perversions then actually explain what the letters of the acronym signify.

I’ll take a whack at it, but I will not be held responsible for any discomfort on the part of those reading this explanation.

The T-U of this acronym stands for Trans Urethral.  Yes, now that I have your attention, this procedure has to do with the body parts down there, or south of the belly or, as they might have referred to it on Mystery Science Theater 3000, the area.

The R stands for the word resection.  It was at this point that Warrior Queen began cringing when I explained the procedure to her.  Strange that even women can empathize with the terrifying description of this surgery to the point that it makes their skin crawl.  It’s strange because they are not known to biologically possess a prostate.  On the other hand, this is the same area of the body where they have to push out an entire human being through a relatively tiny orifice.

And we men think WE’VE got problems!

The P stands for prostate.  Okay, everyone, let’s put all the words together now!  Trans-Urethral Resection of the Prostate! 

Ouch!  Okay, is everyone uncomfortable now?

I can just imagine how everyone is reacting as they read these words.  I will venture a guess that many of you, if not squirming in your seat, have done the subconscious and perhaps primordial action of protecting the family jewels.  This leads me to muse on another theory, if I may digress for a moment.

I will propose the theory that there is a concept of speed faster than the speed of light and the speed of sound.  This faster speed is the time it takes for the hands of a mature healthy male to go from total ease at the side of the body to a cupped position around their genitals whenever the words resection and prostate are used in close proximity to each other.  It is almost as if our dicks suddenly acquired a sense of hearing and the healthy male hastens to cover the auditory organs in the genitals so that it cannot hear the medical professional discuss slicing, dicing, or otherwise mutilating their private parts.

“It’s okay,” we tell it, “The bad man didn’t mean to use those words loud enough for you to hear it.”  I will also venture that a male will have conversations with said organ more times than any of us (including myself) will ever admit.  By the way, this paragraph is not meant in any way to represent anything resembling a confession.  So get your minds right of the gutter.  And for that matter, stop snickering.

Anyway, we are talking TURP today because I may have to have this procedure in the near future.  So much for my summer plans.  I say may because I have another issue which will have to be dealt with before I can have a TURP.  My cardiologist will not give the surgeon the okay to operate on my urethra until they are able to straighten out my cardiac issues.

So all this talk of TURP may have been putting the horse before the cart.  No matter!  My summer is shaping up to be a few weeks with a halter monitor to diagnose my shortness of breath, then perhaps a catherization if the monitor doesn’t pinpoint my heart issue, then perhaps another procedure to actually correct my cardiac issue.  Then maybe we’ll get around to the TURP.

Either way this is going to a long summer...

(Thank you for reading.  At ease, everyone!)