Conscious Gluttony

It’s the time of year when many of us will cop to the standard New Year’s resolution of consciously cutting back on food intake and exercising more.  The ultimate goal is to decrease our weight, evaporate the plaque in our arteries, and increasing the chances that we will live longer fun-deprived lives.

Unwritten law of life: New Year’s resolutions, while inspiring motivation to improve our lives, are too much like work and takes all the fun out of instant gratification.

On the other hand, there is no denying that both Warrior Queen and I could afford to shed a few pounds from our hips.  Actually, I did lose some weight in recent months without even trying.  I just need to keep up the good habit of whatever the hell it was I did to lose the weight, if only I could remember what the hell it was I did.

We had made a conscious effort last summer to delete canned vegetables from our lives to cut back on our salt intake.  This may be why I lost some weight. Also, my cardiologist has me on a Lasix regimen which definitely drains the excess liquid from my body.

Our intentions were very good, but then I lost my dear friend (Janey, Goddess of Springtime) three weeks later. Since then, WQ and I have adopted a carpe diem attitude towards life and, more specifically, food consumption.  It’s as if we are thinking that we’ll live the life that our friend can no longer live and with a vengeance!

We’re still avoiding certain foods, but let’s just say that we are not being overly conscientious about adhering to a strict regimen of less food and more body movement.  Fortunately, there are signs on the horizon that our current efforts will not be in vain!  It’s crass American consumerism and gluttony to the rescue.

To wit: IHOP (International House of Pancakes) is currently advertising a special at their restaurants: all the pancakes you can eat for $3.99!  Key words here: all you can eat! The television heralding this monument to American obesity shows an endless stack of pancakes dripping with ooey, gooey syrup.  The stack is easily yards high as the camera slowly pans up to the heavens.

So, here’s the plan:  WQ and I could grab a late breakfast of endless pancakes, side of breakfast meat and coffee for $20 (tip not included). We would be very full from our breakfast, but wait!  There’s more!

Burger King is advertising a special of two Whopper sandwiches or two chicken sandwiches, or a combination of both for $6!  All Americans know that these sandwiches are Yuge!  And lo and behold, our nearest Burger King is across the street and a mere 500 feet from our local IHOP.  We could leave IHOP and walk across to our next stop on the gluttony tour, but walking would not be advisable.  The highway we would need to traverse is too busy to cross safely, and besides, we would not want to burn any of those recently ill-gotten calories we gained at IHOP. 

This would be defeating the purpose of extreme carpe diemism.*

WQ and I could each have our own sandwich, split a serving of fries and a diet drink. Note the irony of having a diet drink in the midst of all this extreme food consumption.

We would finish lunch, then linger just long enough for our next stop: the nearest Applebee’s.  This chain is currently advertising all you can eat riblets and chicken tenders for $12.99!  WQ helpfully pointed out that they have a liquor license, so she can have a cosmo to wash down all of the ribs, tenders and fries, fries, fries!

Our nearest Applebee’s is perhaps a half mile down the street from the IHOP and Burger King.  We could not walk this and would need to drive to our evening meal stop. Thus, we would arrive safely for our last meal of the day and save our precious calories so lovingly and ravenously acquired at our previous stops.

And…who the hell am I kidding?  We are a borderline middle-aged/elderly couple who no longer require copious amounts of food each day.  We would most likely stuff ourselves to the gills on pancakes and call it a day!

Still, a glutton can dream, can’t he?

*I don’t know if this a legitimate variation of the word, but it will work for me!

(Thank you for reading.  Please, no salt on our fries, thank you!)