arteejee

A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Sunday, March 24, 2019

Sunday Morning Post (V.1; #9*): Does This Blog Make Me Look Fat?


I, like many civilized people in the world, was raised to believe if you cannot say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.  They are wise words, but, like anything else, the concept should be used when situations warrant that saying bad things is offensive to others which will cause harm and pain.  It should not be used as a wall against telling the truth.  Lord knows the truth is always desirable.

Others, on the other hand, have never met this concept.  Yes, I mean you, Mr. President.


There are ways to be honest, I think the term is “couching the truth”, to get the point across without doing harm or grievous offense.   

Unfortunately, this requires thinking to choose the correct words for the situation.  Thinking leads to a pause in communication.  Since the truth is supposed to be obvious, there is a belief that it should be expressed spontaneously without question.


Many people who believe in God were responsible for placing a crooked sexual deviant in the White House. So much for beliefs!


Sadly, life does not allow us the luxury to stop communicating long enough to think through what we should say to each other.  Think Lucy Van Pelt in Peanuts: “You didn’t answer right away!  You had to think about it.” Yes, sometimes we have to think about it.  This is called the art of diplomacy.


Diplomacy, another concept lost on the current occupant of the Oval Office.


I’ve written on this subject before**, but it’s time for an update, given that our leaders have somehow managed to lower the bar for civility in western culture. This time I will offer different scenarios and possible outcomes in a situation when a beloved one asks you for your opinion about their looks, namely, “Does this shirt/skirt/pants make me look fat?”


Before I get to these scenarios, I would like to throw out my own speculations why people feel this question is important.  First of all, we have to recognize that cultures set their own standards for beauty and desirability.  In western culture, the standard is women should have long, skinny legs and ample bosoms.  This is not always possible and, in many cases, biologically inconvenient.  Yet society demands that women have these perfect features.  I can appreciate how women, particularly the younger ones, struggle with this absurdity that the outer features are more important than the inner self.  Any realizations to the contrary require time and, more to the point, maturity.


Ladies, I must be fair to advise that men struggle with their own cultural demons.  We are expected to be muscular, possess well-sculpted facial features, and ample genitalia.   

Again, by and large, not happening.  I emphasize that these ideas are largely culturally driven and, in many cases, the expectations can vary with each individual.    


In any case, many people have been asked for an opinion on how good something looks on a person.  They approach you with the question, “Does this make me look fat?”


Scenario #1: You answer “No dear, you look fine.”


The traditional answer which does not require thought or cause a pause in conversation.  We should allow for the situation when this answer is totally honest and correct.  In which case, kudos to you for marrying a Barbie doll! The rest of us may want to formulate an answer to avoid the awkward pause, keep a written version of the answer on an index card, or better yet, keep it somewhere in a file on your iPhone.  In any case, the person who answers the question with these words can rest assured that they will live to see another day.


Scenario #2: You answer ”Dear, that does not look good on you, but it’s not the best part about you…”


The answerer can then go into a litany (again keep written version handy if needed) of the questioner’s fine qualities.  They may make you wonderful meals, they are always looking out for your well-being, they are conscientious about doing things to make live more comfortable…and so on.  This may also be the truthful answer they were looking for when asking about this particular garment.  They may be debating wearing this garment against wearing another garment and this answer may be construed as “helpful”.


Scenario #3: You answer ”No, dear, that dress does not make you look fat. It’s the excessive cellulite under your skin that makes you look fat.  Lord, woman, have mercy on that material.”


Anyone who answers this way should expect that VIOLENT DEATH IS IMMINENT.  Run as fast as you can.  Consider registering for a government sponsored protection program anywhere.


In the interest of full disclosure: Warrior Queen and I are both fat, know we are fat, and have accepted that our inner qualities balance out this contrary societal constraint.



*As in “Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine…”


**In 2010.  I may republish it in the future.


(Thank you for reading.  And now I must go 
into hiding…)

8 Comments:

Blogger Debra She Who Seeks said...

If something doesn't look good, the best answer (in my opinion) is "No, that outfit doesn't really flatter your figure." Fat/not fat doesn't even really enter in to it.

March 24, 2019 at 11:20 AM  
Blogger Bob said...

"Many people who believe in God were responsible for placing a crooked sexual deviant in the White House. So much for beliefs!"
It's not faith, it's that they all hate the same people.

"It’s the excessive cellulite under your skin that makes you look fat. Lord, woman, have mercy on that material.”
Hide? Witness Protection is in order!

March 24, 2019 at 11:24 AM  
Blogger Deedles said...

First of all, I just want to say, I love you and Warrior Queen (she will always be Carebear to me)! You are so forthright and honest and in the case of Carebear salty. One doesn't have to decipher what you're trying to say. Quite refreshing.
I too am pleasingly plump, charmingly chubby, okay fat as f**k! Funny, I never used this kind of language before reading certain blogs. I've never had to ask if I look fat. I do have a floor length mirror, thank you very much. I do at times have to ask Balder Half if something is tacky, because I have no taste. However, I can tell when he's bought me a dress that makes me look like a pregnant bratwurst. Okay, just venting.
Thank you so much for this much needed morning chuckle!

March 24, 2019 at 11:24 AM  
Blogger anne marie in philly said...

yes I'mma fat and I don't give five fat flying fucks whether YOU (the general public, esp. hetero white males) like it or not! I like myself just the way I am, and so does mister rogers! so there! nyah nyah nyah! :-b

March 24, 2019 at 11:54 AM  
Blogger Dave R said...

There is also "No, not fat, but I do think the cut fails completely in regard to accentuating your assets." Poor styling over rides fat any day of the week.

March 24, 2019 at 5:15 PM  
Blogger todd gunther said...

Spoken like a true diplomat, Debra!

Witness protection is definitely a possibility for the unwise. Thank you, Bob.

Thank you Deedles. I'm glad I gave you a reason to smile.

Note to self: adjust Warrior Queen's medication.

Thank you Dave for another diplomatically phrased alternative.

March 25, 2019 at 6:11 AM  
Blogger Ur-spo said...

well said !

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