A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Short Notes December 2007*


Our favorite grocery store manager, Mr. Whipple, passed away recently. In accordance with his final wishes, his remains will be squeezed between two giant rolls of toilet tissue.


A recent study of Japanese men showed that those who smoked had a greater incidence of hair loss. Several theories have been proposed as to why this is happening. One idea is that the nicotine interferes with circulation in the scalp and thus adversely affects the hair follicles. There is also the idea that smoking increases the production of estrogen in the male body.

If the estrogen idea proves to be true, then we will need to update the warnings on our cigarette packs. I’m thinking something along the idea of ”WARNING - STUDIES SHOW THAT LONG TERM CIGARETTE SMOKING CAN TURN YOU INTO A GIRL! EWWWW!” While this development may explain why the Marlboro Man showed a preference to ride sidesaddle in his later years, this new warning will likely appeal only to nine year-old boys. Females won’t be affected by this side effect of smoking, although they might applaud the step up the evolutionary chain for any male smokers who will invariably “cross over”.


Another recent report noted a decrease in the number of Chinese children being adopted in the United States. Many experts are blaming this trend on unfounded rumors that this year’s orphans have been coated with lead based paint.

(Ba-doom, ching! Thank you! I’m here all week!)


During the long holiday weekend, I saw two film news stories that disturbed me. The stories showed large crowds of people doing two very different activities. The contrast between their two activities made me shake my head in shame. I will decline to reveal on which network I saw these stories because I don’t want to reveal the network’s bias, and besides NBC Nightly News is not paying me for any advertising on this blog.

The first report showed people swimming for their lives in a river in Bangladesh. These people have nothing to their name - no shelter, no food, no water, no clothes – due to the devastating cyclones which hit their region a few weeks ago. It seems that this crowd was stampeding over a bridge to get aid when the bridge collapsed, sending everyone into the river. These people can’t get a break anywhere!

The next story showed massive amounts of Americans in another type of stampede - to get inside a store for the best Christmas bargains on Black Friday. These people, presumably, have everything - food, water, shelter, and clothes - yet they are trampling over each other to get more possessions! The commercialism and unfettered capitalism of the season is so ingrained in our national psyche that we can’t see where our correct priorities should be anymore.

Comparing these two stories in my mind was like a slap in my face. Something is very wrong with these two pictures. Somebody give me a “Bah Humbug!”

*I realize it’s still November. So I’m rushing the season! So sue me!


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