A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Thursday, December 20, 2007

Stupid Christmas Song Lyrics

It’s time once again to take issue with some songs of the season. We hear these songs year after year and never question their sincerity. I am only questioning their logic, their obvious abundance of ridiculousness.

For example, there is this song.


A nice melodic saga of those who could have been present at the birth of the Christ child: a lamb, a shepherd, and a king. My problem is with the couplet: "A child shivers in the cold/let us bring him silver and gold.” Okay, it rhymes, but precious metals won’t help keep the child warm. It's not like you can start a fire with these metals and keep them burning long enough to generate the warmth the baby needs.

Firewood would be a more practical gift. You can start a fire with the wood and keep it burning for hours. I realize that the silver and gold can be used to purchase the firewood, but this brings up another issue. Who is going to chop and deliver wood on Christmas? Come on, people, it’s a holiday!

I know, I know, the Christmas holiday wasn’t declared immediately as soon as Jesus was born. I mean, it’s not like Joseph said to Mary, “Hey Mary, you have given birth to an exceptional boy here. Let’s take the day off and celebrate. In fact, let’s give all mankind off today to mark this wonderful occasion.” I’m sure that a very exhausted Mary readily agreed to this arrangement, but most of us will realize that Christianity took a while longer to develop. Most of us that is, except for a certain host on ABC's “The View” who maintains that the Christian religion predated the birth of Jesus himself.


The quintessential holiday favorite that makes severe, bone-numbing, Arctic cold weather conditions seem all cozy and romantic. Oh, yeah, I’m always happily chirping this song as I repeatedly bend over while shoveling out my hundred-foot driveway in sub-freezing temperatures. I can’t begin to describe how this song soothes my angina condition.

My problem is with these lyrics: “In the meadow we can build a snowman/then pretend that he is Parson Brown/He’ll say ‘Are you married?’, we’ll say “No, man!”/but you can do the job when you’re in town.” Okay, I realize that organized religion has gone through turmoil in recent years, but has it sunk so low that they are now ordaining three balls of tightly packed frozen precipitation to perform wedding ceremonies? The Religious Right is always screaming about the sanctity of marriage whenever the subject of gay marriage is raised, but I haven’t heard any complaints that the sanctity can be blessed by a non-entity that will cease to exist once the temperature goes above freezing. In any respect, if I were a snowman with a brain and the capacity to think, then I would put all of my energy into raising awareness about global warming, and not marrying couples with delusions of happiness.


This song raises questions about infringing on personal rights. The line “Deck the halls with boughs of holly” is objectionable. What if Holly doesn’t want her boughs draped all over the place? Some women are very picky about their personal property.

Oh, wait. What if we’ve been misinterpreting the word boughs all these years? What if they really meant to sing, “Deck the halls with bowels of Holly”? Oh yeah, Holly would definitely not like that at all. Now we’re talking about disembowelment as part of a Christmas celebration? I don’t think so.


This song paints a very happy, joyous picture for the holiday season. Then it mentions “scary ghost stories”! Wow, talk about mood swings! Ghost stories don’t belong with Christmas. In the entire English language, there is approximately one Christmas-related ghost story. (Thanks, Charles Dickens!) Besides, we already have a holiday for ghosts; it’s called Halloween!

That is my small list of questionable seasonal lyrics for this year. Feel free to debate these points over a glass or two of eggnog or warm punch. Just don’t invite Parson Brown into the conversation. He tends to get all worked up when it comes to the subject of religion. One thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, he’s nothing more than a puddle on the floor.


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