A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Yo, Taiwan! Crap This!

My hometown of Philadelphia is reeling from another public relations dishonor. It seems that some type of anime website based in Taiwan took it upon themselves to produce a video rating American cities. Based on actual research of various facets of life (education, environmental factors, overall quality of life, etc.), the website awarded different distinctions to each city.

Some of the awards were expected: New York was rated “rudest city”, while Hollywood was rated as “shallowest”. New Orleans was named “dirtiest” city, but Philadelphia was given the rather vague title of “crappiest” city.

Perhaps this was intended as a satirical exercise in stereotyping, but many of us aren’t so sure. We all recognize that there is always a small grain of truth in stereotyping, and these ratings uphold that theory. New York City is definitely the rudest; sorry, but from personal experience at my job this week, I must say that New Yorkers need to work on their phone etiquette. Period!

The Hollywood is shallow accusation has been around for years, but what else should we expect. The town was founded on the manufacturing and marketing of imagery, and, frankly, many times their product is merely a reflection of the society at large.

As for Nawlin’s being dirty: aw, come on, give the Big Easy a break! They were nearly wiped out by a hurricane six years ago. Give the city some points for trying to come back.

The clip makes its case — no, tries to make its case — by arguing that one of our local delicacies is not fit for human consumption, and one, solo, solitary, unfortunate incident involving Santa Claus. Let us now skillfully deconstruct their arguments with lots of malice and hold the charity.

These anime geeks had the audacity to criticize our beloved cheesesteak sandwich. Any real Philadelphian will tell you what a wonderful slice of heaven this sandwich on an Italian roll truly is! You have wit (meaning smothered in sautéed onions) or you have witout (nothing at all)! Many of us will have pizza style with sauce, or perhaps Heinz ketchup. I’ll bet true cheesesteak aficionados will hold all condiments so they can savor the feeling of the beef juice running over their wax paper, down their chin and finally down their arm. Yes, this is truly heaven!

So, Taiwan, with what delicacy can you tempt us? Frosted grasshoppers or chocolate ant clusters? Please, spare me!

Then there is the Santa Claus incident, a truly terrible thing which many Philadelphians have tried to live down over the years. Of course, I’m referring to the time when the jolly bearded one was pummeled with snowballs at a Philadelphia Eagles game. The event — which, if I may point out, happened decades ago — shamed Philadelphia sports fans for years.

I hate to split hairs, but actually it is not a mark which should be held against Philadelphia’s baseball, basketball, or hockey fans. I for one will dare anyone to find any documentation that Santa was assaulted with snowballs at a Philadelphia Phillies game! I rest my case!

Eagles fans will probably argue that they were just testing Santa’s love for us by being mean to him. On this point, their argument has some merit. Santa still comes to Philly every year, so obviously he doesn’t hold the incident against us.

A more likely argument as to why it happened is a fact that is little known outside the city limits. We all know that Philadelphia sports fans are a tough crowd; I will admit that Phillies fans can be abusive. Still, it doesn’t compare to Philadelphia football fans. I’ll let you in on a dirty little secret here in the City of Brotherly Love. Between you, me, and the 29 million other bloggers on the internet, I’ll tell you that Eagles fans are total psychos. Shhh! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

So let’s turn our attention to Taiwan, who came to exist as the result of a group of democratic revolutionaries exiled by the Chinese communists. At the same time this was happening, a huge propaganda campaign was going on in the United States against communism. In the media, communists were portrayed as loathsome, foul, and filthy. In government, a few narrow-minded individuals spearheaded efforts to root out the red menace once and for all. Those who grew up with these ideas are now approaching retirement age, but the indoctrination they underwent all those years ago is as strong as ever. Witness the many cries of socialism lobbed at the progressive policies now known as Obamacare.

My point in dredging up this bit of history, Taiwan, is this: if Philadelphia is so crappy, then how come you’re a country full of people that not even the dreaded communists wanted?


(Thanks for reading. Any similarities between statements in this blog and those which could lead to a war with Taiwan, are purely coincidental.)


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