So The President Walks Into a Bar...

Meanwhile, in a pub somewhere in Ireland...

BARTENDER: Hey, Sean! Come over here!

SEAN: Top o’ the mornin’ to you Frankie! What’s up!

BARTENDER: Look, Sean, I’ve got an important favor to ask you. We have a special visitor today and I don’t need your usual shenanigans in here.

SEAN: Frankie! Shame on you! What kind of stereotypical Irishman do you take me for? On second thought, don’t answer that!

BARTENDER: Please Sean! There’s a pint of Guinness on the house if you don’t do your usual carousing. Just don’t start any trouble, all right?

SEAN: All right, deal! Where’s your special visitor?

BARTENDER: He’s at the other end of the bar. It’s the President of the United States!

SEAN: Really now! What’s he doing here?

BARTENDER: Visiting his roots! He’s got family from this part of the country!

SEAN: Who? Him? He can’t have family from around here!

BARTENDER: Why not?

SEAN: Well, for one thing, he’s got a dark tint to his features, if you know what I mean!

BARTENDER: Aw, you’re daft! His kin lived here generations ago. It was his father what gave him his skin color. Here’s your pint!

SEAN: Bless you! I thought maybe he’d been out in the sun too long, that’s all! So, what’s his name?

BARTENDER: Obama.

SEAN: Obama, you say? A good Irish name!

BARTENDER: True, but he spells it differently. It’s O-B-A-M-A!

SEAN: Apostrophe!

BARTENDER: What?

SEAN: You forgot the apostrophe. O-apostrophe-B-A-M-A!

BARTENDER: That’s what I’m tellin’ you! He spells it differently. He doesn’t use the apostrophe!

SEAN: (indignant) What? Doesn’t use an apostrophe? What kind of an Irishman is he?

BARTENDER: Don’t start trouble, Sean!

SEAN: I’m not starting anything! What’s his first name? (TAKES A GULP OF BEER)

BARTENDER: Barack.

(SEAN SPITS OUT HIS BEER, FOLLOWED BY A LONG PAUSE)

SEAN: Barack!

BARTENDER: Don’t start, Sean!

SEAN: What’s his religion?

BARTENDER: What?

SEAN: Where’s he go to church?

BARTENDER: Funny you should ask! There’s a bit of controversy about that. A lot of his fellow Yanks swear up and down that he’s a Muslim. But if you ask me, I know for a fact that he attended a Protestant church when he lived in Chicago for many years.

SEAN: Protestant, you say? Oh, well, no one’s perfect!

BARTENDER: Don’t start, Sean!

SEAN: Now, let me get this straight! This man has dark skin, an Irish sounding name without an apostrophe, a Muslim first name, is a Protestant, and is President of the United States, yet he claims to have Irish blood in him?

BARTENDER: That’s right!

SEAN: (shrugs) If you say so! I’ll say this much for him. He can certainly down a Guinness like a true son of the Emerald Isle!

BARTENDER: Aye, he can do that! He’s had to quell a domestic dispute over beer at the White House, in fact!

SEAN: Is that so? (LONG PAUSE) Frankie?

BARTENDER: Yes, Sean?

SEAN: Did you happen to ask for his birth certificate?

BARTENDER: Sore subject, Sean! Don’t start!

(Thank you for reading! Please tip the bartender! And someone please help Sean get home!)