A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Friday, May 20, 2011

Recovering from a Bipartisan Marriage

Their marriage was the envy of most mortals living in this imperfect universe. She is the product of a long line of liberal overachievers. He is — or was until this week — a favored foreign born son of the conservative right. Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger met, fell in love, married, raised a family, and made an improbable relationship work for over 20 years.

Now, it’s all over amid confessions of a past infidelity that produced a child over a decade ago. They have now separated and are working to rebuild their lives - separately. I don’t mean to throw oil on the fire, but I’d bet that in our cynical world, even Romeo and Juliet would have been hard pressed to gaze at each other longingly after spending 20 years together.

Granted, we all should have seen this day coming. I realize that it’s painful for Maria to admit that any reservations her family may have had about her relationship have proven correct. Grandpa Joe Kennedy would never have approved her marriage to a man with an “R” after his name. Of course, she can take some consolation from the fact that she made the relationship work for as long as it did. That should count for something.

Maria should do whatever she has to do to get over this emotional hump. Commiserate with her best buds, cry on Aunt Oprah’s shoulder, and/or have a blowout celebration marking her release from the suffocating grip of this Austrian muscleman. After all that, she might want to plan for what she’ll do next with her day-to-day activities. In other words, she should get a job. Restart her career. It won’t do to be part of a liberal overachieving dynasty and be unemployed.

Continuing with her volunteer activities is a good start, but she might also want to jump back into broadcasting. Let’s face it, Maria is still an attractive woman with, I dare say, many more of her most productive years still ahead of her. She still has her journalistic creds. The wide, wide world of television news reporting and commentary is totally open for her.

Maria could get a network anchor gig, or do commentary on MSNBC. (Fox would not be a good fit for her.) Or she could go the talk show route, but it might be a bit early to campaign for Aunt Oprah’s time slot. At this point, that might be seen as tacky. She should do this not only for her self-esteem and to rebuild her life, but do it because she’s a Kennedy! I’m not necessarily referring to the idea that the Kennedy name will automatically open doors for her — but it could help. Actually, I’m referencing the drive and ambition that her family has demonstrated for several generations.

This leaves us with...Ahnold.

I won’t lecture him on the virtues of keeping his pants on; as a male, I can appreciate the temptations he probably encountered on a daily basis. Still, the fact remains: he broke the heart of America’s political sweetheart. I hope he realizes the gravity of his situation.

Not only did he hurt his family, but he dissed a Kennedy! That’s the clan that is the closest thing America has to royalty. The ex-governator may want to watch his back. After all, you never know if some of Grandpa Joe’s cronies from Prohibition days might still be lurking around in the shadows of our society.

Ahnold, you were a high profile celebrity, political figure, and hero worshipping icon to a generation of body-builders everywhere. You were leader of one of the largest states in the union and, not for anything, a representative of the party that advocates family values. I should point out that you have fallen into the same trap as some of your other Republican brethren, i.e., adopting behaviors that would find them starting more than one family. (See Newt Gingrich) Remember, the concept is called “family values” not “families value”.

Just because you married into the Kennedy family didn’t mean you were obliged to emulate the lifestyles of the clan’s male members (no pun intended). History has shown that the Kennedys did many notable things for America, and we should be grateful that we are the beneficiaries of their achievements. On the other hand, the private lives of some of the Kennedys were complicated and, um...shall we say, messy? To put it delicately, these Kennedys lived life to the fullest. (Wink wink nudge nudge! Know what I mean? I think you do!)

My point here is that there were lessons to be learned from all their activities. Their reputations have been stained by the revelations about their private lives. These lessons apparently did not make an impression on you, Ahnold! Now you are suffering the angst of your ego-driven activities, and many may believe that your angst is well earned.

So forgive us, Ahnold, if for the immediate future America takes Maria and your family to its bosom, while we act with revulsion at the mere utterance of your name. Don’t worry, this reaction won’t be permanent. We all know how fickle the American public is. We all know all will be forgiven once you get a few more Terminator sequels in the can. That should make everything all better!

(Thank you for reading. Insert Schwarzenegger line about “I’ll be back blah blah blah” here.)


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