The End (Again)
Haven’t we been here before? By here, I mean all of us minding our own business when we are subjected to tales of the end days by the really, really true believers. This time, global apocalypse is scheduled for this Saturday, May 21. No set time has been publicized, so everyone may want to check their local listings for when everything ends.
Actually, the end has been coming in dribs and drabs all year. Armageddon came for many Japanese earlier this year with an earthquake, which resulted in a tsunami and a nuclear plant meltdown. Economic end times are approaching for the American Midwest, as millions of acres of farmland are flooded to control the waters of the Mississippi River surging on major population centers in lower Louisiana (i.e., New Orleans and environs). The instability of regimes in the Middle East has given Nostradamus’ prophecies some credence, while also raising gas prices that threaten our slow economic recovery and President Obama’s high poll numbers.
Oh well, at least we got Osama bin Laden.
Blame or credit the Mayans or Nostradamus for this, but in the end it doesn’t matter. So while our mutual destruction may only be days away, we should probably use the time wisely to get our affairs in order. After all, there is a 50-50 chance that the true believers are correct.
To that end (no pun intended), let’s list our remaining days with a set of goals we could all achieve. We must pause, rethink our priorities, and reset our endeavors to rationalize whatever existences we had on this Earth. Herewith is a day-to-day list of suggestions — complete with weather forecast — for the rest of the week:
TUESDAY, MAY 17
Rain, rain, and more rain, high 67F. Thirty percent chance of apocalypse.
Sleep in, turn over and think over missed opportunities, overdue deadlines, and relationships that went awry. And oh yes, get out and vote! It’s Primary Day!
WEDNESDAY, MAY 18
Torrential rain, high 68F. Fifty percent chance of final judgment.
Write a long overdue thank you note to the Westboro Baptist Church, for it appears that they were right all along. Suggest to them that when the Earth splits in two and the blessed are cruelly, painfully separated from the damned by an angry, jealous God, they should have the pleasure of reaching Rapture first. Yes, they should get the privilege of being first in line, since they worked so hard for it. After they’re gone, the rest of us can party again like we did two weeks ago when bin Laden was killed.
THURSDAY, MAY 19
Mostly cloudy, thunderstorms, high 74F. Seventy percent chance of total annihilation.
Call loved ones, gather family together to laugh, cry and share the joys of life one more time. Hmmm...I should send this to the Hallmark Corporation for an “end of the world” card idea.
FRIDAY, MAY 20
Mostly cloudy, high 74F. Ten percent chance of Armageddon.
This is everyone’s final chance to do something that they won’t be able to do again: procrastinate. If you’ve never done this time-honored human tradition of putting off actions and priorities, this will be the last time you can do it. Choose your final act of procrastination wisely!
SATURDAY, MAY 21
Cloudy, spotty showers, high 76F. 100 percent chance of Rapture.
At some point today, the world will split apart, the righteous will rise to the heavens, while the damned and procrastinators party away. Some of will us burn up with fires from the sky and many of us will drown from rising waters below. At the very end, the partiers will cry out in a mixture of agony, ecstasy and derision as the world implodes and disintegrates in a fashion that would make Industrial Light and Magic envious. Whatever is left of humanity at this point — our achievements, our civilizations, our high-minded goals of peace and brotherhood which we could never get around to accomplish in the millions of years of our existence — will be reduced to dust that drifts and swirls away across the universe.
SUNDAY, MAY 22
Sun and clouds, high 79F. Trace chance of really bad things happening.
(Thank you for reading. “...and I feel fine!”)
Actually, the end has been coming in dribs and drabs all year. Armageddon came for many Japanese earlier this year with an earthquake, which resulted in a tsunami and a nuclear plant meltdown. Economic end times are approaching for the American Midwest, as millions of acres of farmland are flooded to control the waters of the Mississippi River surging on major population centers in lower Louisiana (i.e., New Orleans and environs). The instability of regimes in the Middle East has given Nostradamus’ prophecies some credence, while also raising gas prices that threaten our slow economic recovery and President Obama’s high poll numbers.
Oh well, at least we got Osama bin Laden.
Blame or credit the Mayans or Nostradamus for this, but in the end it doesn’t matter. So while our mutual destruction may only be days away, we should probably use the time wisely to get our affairs in order. After all, there is a 50-50 chance that the true believers are correct.
To that end (no pun intended), let’s list our remaining days with a set of goals we could all achieve. We must pause, rethink our priorities, and reset our endeavors to rationalize whatever existences we had on this Earth. Herewith is a day-to-day list of suggestions — complete with weather forecast — for the rest of the week:
TUESDAY, MAY 17
Rain, rain, and more rain, high 67F. Thirty percent chance of apocalypse.
Sleep in, turn over and think over missed opportunities, overdue deadlines, and relationships that went awry. And oh yes, get out and vote! It’s Primary Day!
WEDNESDAY, MAY 18
Torrential rain, high 68F. Fifty percent chance of final judgment.
Write a long overdue thank you note to the Westboro Baptist Church, for it appears that they were right all along. Suggest to them that when the Earth splits in two and the blessed are cruelly, painfully separated from the damned by an angry, jealous God, they should have the pleasure of reaching Rapture first. Yes, they should get the privilege of being first in line, since they worked so hard for it. After they’re gone, the rest of us can party again like we did two weeks ago when bin Laden was killed.
THURSDAY, MAY 19
Mostly cloudy, thunderstorms, high 74F. Seventy percent chance of total annihilation.
Call loved ones, gather family together to laugh, cry and share the joys of life one more time. Hmmm...I should send this to the Hallmark Corporation for an “end of the world” card idea.
FRIDAY, MAY 20
Mostly cloudy, high 74F. Ten percent chance of Armageddon.
This is everyone’s final chance to do something that they won’t be able to do again: procrastinate. If you’ve never done this time-honored human tradition of putting off actions and priorities, this will be the last time you can do it. Choose your final act of procrastination wisely!
SATURDAY, MAY 21
Cloudy, spotty showers, high 76F. 100 percent chance of Rapture.
At some point today, the world will split apart, the righteous will rise to the heavens, while the damned and procrastinators party away. Some of will us burn up with fires from the sky and many of us will drown from rising waters below. At the very end, the partiers will cry out in a mixture of agony, ecstasy and derision as the world implodes and disintegrates in a fashion that would make Industrial Light and Magic envious. Whatever is left of humanity at this point — our achievements, our civilizations, our high-minded goals of peace and brotherhood which we could never get around to accomplish in the millions of years of our existence — will be reduced to dust that drifts and swirls away across the universe.
SUNDAY, MAY 22
Sun and clouds, high 79F. Trace chance of really bad things happening.
(Thank you for reading. “...and I feel fine!”)
posted by todd gunther | 5:34 PM
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