A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Iowa, Dear Iowa

This blog entry is dedicated to the residents of Iowa because, as they may not know it, they are a groovy people! They are groovy because they, and they alone, will face the onslaught of seven — count 'em! — seven Republican candidates traipsing, cavorting, and gallivanting hither and yon within Iowa’s borders. It is these state residents who next week will give one candidate thumbs up and thrust daggers into the backs of the other candidates.

It would not surprise me if this week the people of the great state of Iowa hear or witness the candidates say or do the following.

Newt Gingrich, in his quest to become the extreme right wing candidate, will promise to bring back workhouses and poor farms for the nation’s children so they will have someplace to learn a work ethic, because (as only Newt knows) a work ethic is more important than a good education. Iowans may also witness Newt start frothing at the mouth. Now wouldn’t that be a grand YouTube moment!


Michele Bachmann will get so exhausted from traveling to all 99 Iowa counties in nine days that she will say something endearing, historically inaccurate, but most importantly YouTube worthy, like, “It’s great to be here in Iowa where World War II began!” Come to think of it, she might also say that when she’s fully rested and alert. Iowans might also be treated to the sight of her husband drag. (Or so my friends tell me...!)


Rick Perry will get so excited at the prospect at being the most extreme candidate that he might remember a point or two of his own campaign. He might even have an identity crisis and perform “Teenage Dream” in hopes that it will revive his sagging poll numbers. On a related note, Katy Perry will not be amused.


Mitt Romney will promise to repeal Obamacare if elected, even though it was based on a great idea he once had as governor of Massachusetts. Pundits will puzzle if this promise will constitute another Romney flip-flop, but Romney’s opponents will have no trouble calling him out on it.


Rick Santorum will also travel the state, ingratiating himself with the citizenry with such activities as hunting quail (the bird, not the former vice president) and perhaps “accidently” leave behind one of his own children here or there. On a related note, Mrs. Santorum will not be amused.


Ron Paul will try to downplay hateful comments made in newsletters published under his name in the 1990s. Even Newt has been disgusted by the comments! Now that's saying something!


Jon Huntsman will, um,...Jon who?


Herman Cain! Does anybody miss him yet?

Brave Iowans! Sturdy midwesterners! We salute you for your courage to put up with this political circus!

After all, better you than us...

(Thank you for reading! You’re next, New Hampshire!)


Anonymous Janey said...

Could we please have a YouTube video of Marcus Bachmann -- in drag -- performing Katie Perry's "Teenage Dream"? Then Rick Perry could come onstage, suck face with Marcus, and sing "I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It"!

Be sure to Google "Santorum" and click on the first listing -- let's keep that redefinition alive!

December 28, 2011 at 5:44 PM  

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