A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Resolutions For 2012

It is time once again to contemplate how I can improve my life and take positive steps to make the world around me a better place to live. Therefore, I make the following resolutions for this year.

1. Lose weight. Yes, this is the traditional resolution for millions of people this time of year, but for once in my life this could actually be doable. I’ve been attending Weight Watchers meetings at my job site, and the sessions have given me some good ideas on how I can accomplish my goal. Besides, the instructor asked for a commitment at the last meeting for the next six weeks. I played along and pledged six pounds or a pound a week. So...we shall see!

2. Resolve not to write about any Republican Presidential hopefuls for a full month. After all, these people come from all walks of American life with experience, expertise, and, most importantly, the desire to solve America’s problems. They deserve our respect and better treatment from all bloggers. As such, I will not write about their campaigning in a demeaning fashion while claiming it is my right as a satirist to do so. I will not question their intellect or grasp of policy matters while they work hard to convince voters everywhere that they are worthy to lead this country.

3. Snort! Yeah, right! Who the eff am I kidding? If I stopped writing about the Republican race, I might as well put this blog back on sabbatical. If I did that, I might have to lay off our interns, Steven and Meredith. Perhaps I should amend New Years Resolution #2.

4. Resolve not to write about any Republican Presidential hopefuls for a full month...and that month will begin February 1, 2013. That’s more like it! I honestly think I can live with this one.

5. Resolve not to make up faux resolutions (such as #4 above) in the guise of padding out my list of New Years resolutions.

6. Read more books. Now that my life is not in the state of unemployment turmoil that it was this time last year, I should be able to catch up on my reading. There are at least a dozen or so volumes of the American Presidents series which I have bought and are now collecting dust on my shelf, and currently I am making my way through a biography of Marlene Dietrich. There are also at least five other books that I started reading in the last few years, which I need to pick up and finish. This is a realistic goal; I just need to block out time before the end of the day to read a little bit.

7. Resolve to be more vigilant about my cardio rehab therapy and other physical exercise opportunities. If my back problems cease, I could do my therapy three times a week and do my stationary bicycle the other days of the week. Also, my job site has opened its own mini-gym which I could use at least one day out of the work week. All this exercising should dovetail nicely with my desire to lose weight.

8. Resolve to finally establish myself as an independent contractor for my voice over career. No punch line here.

9. Resolve to devote my days to gorging myself on potato chips and French onion dip and peel ’n’ eat shrimp, all the while watching every episode of Archer until I commit each one to memory or my brains bleed out through my ears, whichever comes first.

10. Scratch resolution #9. My executive editor has reminded me that the activities explained in #9 are okay for leisure time, but they will not be sustainable every day for the rest of my life. I didn’t quite understand what she was telling me until she used words like “gainful employment”, “job”, “mortgage”, “food”, “utilities”, “insurance”, and “taxes”. Then I understood.

So much for improving the world around me!

(Thank you for reading.)


Anonymous Janey said...

RTG's Resolution # 11: Be in better touch with dear college friend Janey! :-)

January 3, 2012 at 8:00 PM  

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