A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Tuesday, July 17, 2012

There Are No Apologies on the Campaign Trail

The 2012 run for the White House is not only getting nasty ahead of schedule, but now it’s getting downright ridiculous. Take, for instance, last week when the Obama campaign jumped on reports that presumptive Republican nominee Mitt Romney worked for his firm, Bain Capital, long after he allegedly claims he did. The reports contradict that he quit Bain to run the US Olympics in Salt Lake City. 
The rub is, if he was still working for Bain after he allegedly quit in 1999, then he was still involved with the company when it outsourced many American jobs and forced some companies into bankruptcy. It’s this image of laissez-faire capitalism run amok that the Romney campaign is eager to rub off itself. Unfortunately, he’s been accusing Obama of outsourcing American jobs too, and reports like this pop up at the most inopportune time.

It just makes life on the campaign trail very awkward for the candidates, but interesting for the rest of us.

The problem for Romney is that he didn’t make that claim in a speech aired in a news cycle. He didn’t make that claim in a newspaper interview. He made that claim in filings to the Securities and Exchange Commission. Some folks who happen to work for the Obama campaign pronounced this contradiction as a felonious lie. That’s felonious, as in felony, as in serious jail time.

Romney himself responded to this charge by (snicker) demanding that (snort) President Obama (tee-hee) himself (guffaw) apologize for his campaign’s accusation (bwa-ha-ha-ha)! Oh dear, I think I peed myself while typing that last sentence. Oh well, it was worth it!

Really, Romney campaign, your boy wants an apology in the heat of a presidential race? Did your boy get his feelings hurt? Well, if he thinks the race is getting down and dirty now, just wait until after the convention — when he officially becomes the Republican nominee. You ain’t seen mud flinging yet until after he’s nominated.

My first reaction to the reports of Romney’s demand for mea culpa can be summed up in one word, expressed dismissively: wuss! Then I thought about it some more and I realized that there is a more mature response to Romney’s outrage. The Obama campaign should hire Tom Hanks to reenact his most quoted line from A League of Their Own. Yes, Hanks should don his baseball manager’s costume from that film, approach Romney at one of his campaign stops, stand toe-to-toe with Romney, and shout in his face, “APOLOGIES?! APOLOGIES?! THERE ARE NO APOLOGIES ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL!!!!”

As another Hollywood icon might have said, “So let it be written, so let it be done.”

Yes, Mittens, politics is a rough and tumble world. It’s also bitchy and downright mean. Didn’t your campaign aides warn you about the hurtful things the other guy might say? Doesn’t it make you long for the days when the allies of the other guy were making fun of your methods of pet transportation?

Gosh, those were the days!

Of course, Obama, being President of the United States, doubled down and refused to apologize. Oh wow! Not only does he refuse to admit remorse at what his aides said, but he actually rubs salt in the wound.

This week liberals everywhere are high-fiving each other with shouts of “Boo-yah!”

Of course, we all realize that politics should only be played by adults, and as adults we should remember that “What comes around, goes around,” and “Beware of the backlash,” and blah, blah, blah. What Romney has forgotten is that he is perfectly free to come back with something that might offend Obama and his allies. Of course, we all know he will, and he shouldn’t pretend (as he is now) that that sort of politicking is beneath him. Romney will strike back, but until then we’ll keep shouting, “Boo-yah!”

Personally, I wouldn’t hold it against Mitt if he decides that the campaign trail is too grueling for his stomach. It wouldn’t bother me at all if he packed up his toys and went home before the convention. Of course, that would make the election in November terribly one-sided, but…oh, wait, I feel another boo-yah coming on…wait for it….

(Thank you for reading! BOO-YAH!)


Anonymous Janey said...

Wait till Romney announces his selection for running mate, a decision that should come any day now. Sorry to ruin the suspense, but I declined Romney's offer. I understand why his campaign so wanted me, a well-educated (?!) college professor from a swing state, but I felt certain that the vetting process would not go well. RTG, you would be asked if I ever inhaled! The reality is I still haven't exhaled! And then there's that gay sex thing with which those damn Mormons have such a problem. I thought of accepting, just so I could seduce each of the five (!) Romney boys on the campaign trail... :-)

July 17, 2012 at 8:57 PM  

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