Snort Bites – February 2013

POPE BENEDICT RETIRES FROM THE PAPACY

Pope Benedict started everyone’s Monday morning off on a strange foot recently when the Vatican announced that he was stepping down at the end of February. Understandably, this was a shock for the world’s Roman Catholics, who have not known their leader to step down in their lifetime. In fact, it is the first time a Pontiff has stepped down without a corresponding cessation of breathing in over 600 years. It’s not like it’s never happened before, but it is beyond the mental grasp of many people and their faith.

So what will the outgoing Pontiff do in his remaining years? Watch The View? More importantly, where will he spend his remaining years? It’s not like the Church was ready for this event with a Versailles-like-palace old Pope’s home for him to stay. Obviously it would be in poor taste if they did move him into a palace, particularly with American diocese closing churches like there’s no tomorrow. 

  

Actually, the Vatican has already announced that he will live and pray in an apartment within the Vatican. Live, pray, and watch The View. Now that’s a retirement!

GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN EXPECTED AS PRESIDENT OBAMA AND CONGRESS CAN’T AGREE ON SEQUESTER DEAL

The sequester, with its promise of widespread deep budget cuts to government spending, looms and threatens to plunge the United States back into a recession. With all the hand-wringing from political pundits, we have seen a rise in doomsday-type scenarios from various government agencies. One report has all meat production stopping in the country if USDA inspectors are furloughed for two weeks. Maybe it’s time we start thinking about switching to a vegetarian diet.

Another report raises the possibility that all air traffic in the country will cease since air traffic controllers will also be furloughed. The Defense Department has issued warnings to 800,000 civilian employees that they may have to be furloughed one day a week for 22 weeks. Now at least this a sensible approach; the other reports appear to suggest that government inspectors and air traffic controllers will have to take their unpaid leave in a single two week block.

The bigger threat from the furloughs will be the effect on people’s paychecks in certain parts of the country. This will naturally have a ripple effect on all businesses in those areas that are dependent on the salaries of government workers. In other words, MD DC and NOVA are screwed!

Let’s hope - and knowing that we’re dealing with Congressional leaders that are taking stubbornness to new levels it’s a long hope - that cooler heads will prevail and a deal is worked out by the end of next week.

  

AMERICAN SECURITY FIRM RELEASES INFORMATION THAT THE CHINESE ARMY IS HACKING INTO AMERICAN COMPUTERS

We are shocked at this development! Absolutely and profoundly shocked! Here in America, we buy their cheap products which keeps their workers gainfully employed at pennies per hour, we eat God only knows how many Chinese buffet dinners on this side of the Pacific Rim every week, and we graciously allow them to acquire God only knows how much of our debt…and this is how they pay us back!

As I said, I am shocked to hear that the culture who gave us Confucius, really wrinkly dog breeds, and ping pong would stoop so low as to invade our cyber privacy! As I said, I was so shocked when I heard this report that I nearly choked on my shrimp mei fun!

(Thank you for reading! Cooler heads in Washington DC? Yeah, right, what the hell was I thinking! Let’s hear it for economic ruin! Wooooooo-hooooooo!!!)