A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Monday, April 08, 2013

Anne Marie’s Adventures in DIY Land

I went to a local outlet of a major DIY chain last weekend. I won’t reveal the name because Lowe’s isn’t paying to advertise on my blog. So, why is this news? I’m a guy, and as a guy I am supposed to spend my entire weekend at a DIY store, right? Well, this trip was newsworthy because I took my wife along.

Actually the verb took is a tad of an understatement. While I did not drag her kicking and screaming, I also did not, like a Neanderthal, drag her by her short red hair into the store. Rather, I strongly insisted that she come with me. My reasoning was thus: I was purchasing a few things for our home and I — and if this act alone justifies my turning in my man card, then so be it — I VALUED her opinion as a female human being.

I know, shocking! Go figure! And what is the world coming to when a man admits to valuing his wife’s opinion, blah, blah, blah! Okay, let’s move on…

We traveled to the store after a nice lunch at a local diner — partly because we were hungry, and partly as a bribe. I grabbed a cart and reviewed our short shopping list in my mind: bird seed, blocks for our back door (long story), a back door (an even longer story), and breathing masks. Anne Marie trailed behind me and I didn’t realize that she may not know her way around the store. 

Only after I began a brisk sprint for the bird seed aisle did I think that I should have pre-packed a six pack of small liquor bottles filled with pre-made cosmos, which I could toss behind me at intervals. This way, she could follow my steps by picking up the bottles, take a swift drink, then proceed to the next bottle.

Our first stop was for a 20 lb bag of bird seed. I, acting all macho, skillfully lifted the bag into our cart. Next, it was onto the garden area, where we pondered purchasing several square cement stone squares, usually used for patios, to build up a step into our kitchen. Here my machismo deserted me, as these blocks were much heavier than 20 pounds. Anne Marie insisted they were only 20 pounds, but I had my doubts. Also, I am weeks behind in my upper body exercises at cardio rehab; Anne Marie, on the other hand, lifted 80 pounds on the lateral pull down machine and 170 pounds on the back extension machine only hours before at her gym session. Three guesses who lifted these mothers — four of them - into the cart and later into the trunk of her car…

All the while, I pointed out to Anne Marie all the other women who were in this traditionally male domain. Some of these women were with their husbands, but just as many were UNESCORTED! Anne Marie, feeling uncharacteristically intolerant of women stepping outside of their stereotypical boundaries could only sniff, “Must be something wrong with them.”

As usual, Anne Marie said this with a teensy bit of sarcasm, so I believe she was not totally serious.

We checked out with our order and Anne Marie lived to tell the tale of going to a DIY store with me. I must say she suffered no major ill effects; well, except for one. During our drive home, Anne Marie seemed to exhibit, if I’m not mistaken, attitudes and actions of a male driver. 

She sped up to reach a line of cars stopped at a light in front of us,  then stopped quickly, instead of the more prudent move to maintain a steady speed until we reached the end of the line, then tap down slowly onto the brakes to a complete stop. She loudly criticized the driving skills and possibly the legitimacy of the birth of other drivers we encountered. I swear, if we had gotten lost on the way home and if she poohed-poohed the suggestion of asking someone for directions, then I would have known for sure that her transformation into a male was complete. And I would have nothing to blame it on except for my pig-headed suggestion that she accompany me to a DIY store.

Oh, for shame! (Clenched fist raised Victorian-melodramatically against my forehead.) What have I done? The testosterone laden environment of the store must have confused and possibly transformed her orientation, and it’s all my fault!  How could I get my dear, sweet Anne Marie to return...

(EDITOR'S NOTE: This entry ends now! The editor will now have a “talk” with the author. Then we’ll see who can lift a 20 pound bag of bird seed…with broken limbs! BTW, the blocks were maybe two pounds apiece…if that!)

(Thank you for reading. Seriously, those blocks were so not 20 pounds!)


Anonymous Janey said...

The reality: Anne Marie has BALLS! :-)


April 8, 2013 at 7:00 AM  
Blogger Amanda said...

I hope you have more trips to those DIY stores with Anne Marie. I had a good laugh at 4.30 am.

April 8, 2013 at 7:34 AM  
Blogger anne marie in philly said...

janey girl, you know me all too well! :)

April 8, 2013 at 9:00 AM  
Blogger anne marie in philly said...

dear nadege: not if I have any say about it! ;-)

April 8, 2013 at 9:00 AM  
Blogger Bob said...

Someone got served ....... in 20-lb increments.

April 8, 2013 at 10:00 AM  
Blogger anne marie in philly said...

hey, I know my man's limits and I know mine. besides, I may as well put my biceps to work! BOO YAH! :)

April 8, 2013 at 10:41 AM  
Blogger David Jeffreys said...

Come on now, please, the next installment! What happened when you got home with those 20lb blocks? What is the longer story about the back door? Did the DIYer fixer up? Do the birds now have seeds in their feeder, or was the bag too heavy to lift? So which of you (Anne Marie or Todd) took a nap and which DIY?


PS: I think Lowe's should place a big ad on your blog now!

April 8, 2013 at 4:31 PM  
Blogger todd gunther said...

Thank you all for your comments. Now David, i will answer all of your questions, but I must explain my psychology to using the term longer story in the middle of my narrative would be in the hopes that no one will want to hear it. Well, you fooled me.

It's actually not that long of a story. Anne "Bruiser" Marie opened the back door one day late last year and the bottom glass panel of our door shattered into long shards. I later found that a screw was missing from the frame and this probably weakened the glass over a period of years. No doubt cracks started forming--unseen by us--from the constant banging against the outer frame as we opened and closed it something like 5-10 times a day.

Okay, so that story wasn't as long as I thought. The door is still not fixed because they have to come out and measure it, then contact us, then we'll order it and then...this saga will continue.

Once home I helped carry one of the blocks a distance of fifty feet to the back door. Anne Marie brought the other three over one at a time.

The bird feeder is full again, this time thanks to Anne "He-man" Marie. Sometimes I will have to lift the bag and fill the feeder by myself, but this weekend she did it while I was out visiting my uncle.

And to answer your last question I took several naps. Watching Anne Marie do all that lifting just tuckered me out.

April 8, 2013 at 6:26 PM  

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