A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

All Aboard for the Island of Misfit Toys

It’s a pity Barbara Walters has retired. She certainly deserves to devote her remaining time to herself and not the demands of a long, storied career in journalism. Despite her accomplishments over the years, there are some tasks which will remain incomplete.

For example, Walters was famous for asking her interview subjects what tree they would like to be. I don’t believe she ever got around to modifying her question for the holiday season to ask, “If you were a toy on the Island of Misfit Toys (from Rank and Bass’ production of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer), what toy which you like to be?” So, dear readers, look deep into your soul and, if you dare, speculate on what toy you would be.*

We will start the ball rolling with what I believe would be misfit toys from the Arteejee family. Blog editor Anne Marie would be, I believe, a doll that doesn’t necessarily conform to society’s perception of the “doll” concept. I dare say that she is a long time resident of the Island of Misfit Toys, and will be a resident for many years to come.

The good points of the Anne Marie doll: she bakes, she knits, she edits this blog, she contributes to a fascinating array of gay blog sites, and when you tap her on the back she utters an endearing holiday sentiment any child would love to hear on Christmas morning. The down side of the Anne Marie doll: that endearing holiday sentiment is “Go eff yourself!” Also, she’s prone to flatulence.

Yes sir, the Anne Marie doll will never get off the Island of Misfit Toys.

Then there is myself: the Arteejee doll. The Arteejee doll closely resembles a Kewpie doll, but is nowhere near as cute. This doll comes with one leg shorter than the other, a pronounced limp (hey, nothing says cute like a pronounced limp), a beer gut, and a diseased heart. 
The Arteejee doll would be best kept in your bathroom if ever made it off the Island of Misfit Toys. In the bathroom, he could keep your reading materials organized and chase away the house cats when they want to play a round of “Spin the Toilet Tissue”. The main reason that the Arteejee doll is best kept in your bathroom can be summed up in two words: enlarged prostate!

The Arteejee doll is also prone to flatulence. TMI? Sorry!

Until that great day when the Arteejee doll becomes a fixture in every bathroom, then he will stay on the Island of Misfit Toys doing what he does best: being a thorn in the side of the Anne Marie doll! He does this by singing songs by one of his favorite groups: ABBA.  The Anne Marie doll usually responds to this aural assault on her musical tastes by tapping herself on the back.

So, readers, what  would you be on the Island of Misfit Toys?

*No prize is being offered for the best toy, because the proprietors of the Arteejee website are, as the French would term it, incredibly cheap!

(Thank you for reading! On a sentimental note, I don’t know what I would do without my Anne Marie doll…)


Blogger anne marie in philly said...

girls don't fart!

December 18, 2013 at 6:46 PM  
Blogger todd gunther said...

I beg to differ, and I'm sure there is scientific proof to back this up.
Thanks for writing!

December 18, 2013 at 7:04 PM  
Blogger Bob said...

I see myself as the Snark Doll, er, Snark Bob, if you will.

I'd sit quietly on a shelf, where I might go unnoticed, until I found just the right time to unleash an eff-bomb filled narrative on your clothes, your hair, your shoes, what you're reading watching eating saying seeing politicking or believing.

You'd oftentimes want to twist my little head off, but then you'd spend the rest of your days wondering what Snark Bob would have said about that.

And that would be the greatest victory of them all!

Snark Bob, at a store, er, blog near you.

December 18, 2013 at 9:17 PM  
Blogger David Jeffreys said...

I would be your lovable teddy bear. Not because I am hirsute, but because I am fat, wear my belt up around my belly button, and love being naked. If I were to wear pants, they would surely be waders. You can't call me Smokey Bear because I hate being around smokers, as they are disgusting. The best part of me is that I do like to cuddle, and that is what I am best known for. I don't belong here on Misfit Island, but instead on perfectly made male bedclothes. Please take me home, young fella.

December 18, 2013 at 10:43 PM  
Anonymous Janey said...

Oh, I don't know, RTG, what kind of misfit toy do YOU think I am? :-)

December 19, 2013 at 8:36 AM  
Blogger todd gunther said...

I'm torn between two images, Janey. You're either a bong or an orange fur foot stool (you remember). Have a wonderful Christmas! :-)

December 21, 2013 at 2:35 AM  
Blogger todd gunther said...

Thank you for your excellent suggestions Bob and David!

December 21, 2013 at 2:37 AM  
Anonymous Janey, The Pretty Girl Under the Mistletoe said...

As a true misfit, I am a bong AND an orange fun-fur covered foot stool! (Oh yes, baby, I remember...) :-)

Merry Christmas to you, yor AnneMarie doll, and your family in Central PA!


December 21, 2013 at 7:12 AM  
Anonymous Christmas Toys 2013 said...

What a cute Christmas gift! I won't exchange it for an expensive gift. I would definitely treasure this gift.

January 1, 2014 at 9:03 PM  

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