A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Tuesday, March 11, 2014

CPAC 2014 Follies

CPAC - the annual riling up of the conservative base - is over for another year. This is the three day event where all the conservative stars come out to rant, rave, and gather support for the Republican Party. In many ways, it is a public audition for those who want to gain more political power in the coming months (November 2014 mid-term elections) and years (2016).

Some men - most of the speakers were of the male gender - such as Cruz, Rand, Rubio, and Santorum reiterated their bona fides with the party faithful. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie – damaged goods with the conservative base when he exchanged hugs with President Obama after Hurricane Sandy - sought to distance himself from that touchy feely moment. Christie lashed out at the President for not doing the job he’s paid to do.

Wow! Who saw this breakup coming? Just about everyone knew it would happen sooner or later unless Christie switched parties. Still, who would have thought that there would be so much bitterness and vitriol coming from the governor?

The Senator from the great state of Florida, Marco Rubio, stated that the party needed to stick to its old principles to start winning elections again. Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky countered with a call for new ideas because the old Republican ideas have become stale and moss-covered. I would have used a mold metaphor myself, but moss covered works for me.

In any event, why don’t you two kids duke this out in the hall and come back when you’re done. The people weighed in later and crowned Paul the winner of the CPAC straw poll by the end of the weekend.

The last day of the conference was Ladies Day, when the Girls of CPAC (now there’s one group you’ll never see featured in a Playboy pictorial) were allowed to come out and speak their peace. Ann Coulter mourned the browning of America as she likes to term the surge of Hispanics coming to this country and perhaps being granted amnesty if the Democrats have their way. Her ultra-WASPish reasoning is that this forgiving gesture towards illegal immigrants will give the Democrats more voters. Strange talk coming from a party that bills itself as the Big Tent!

Michele Bachmann attacked the Raggedy Ann of the Democratic Party, Hillary Clinton. One would think that they would tire of demonizing Hillary after all this time, but no, she remains their favorite whipping doll after more than 20 years. It’s easy to see why: Clinton has, like it or not, built an incredible amount of managerial experience nationally and internationally, while also becoming politically savvy to the Inside the Beltway culture. She scares the piss out of conservatives.

Bachmann reminded her listeners that the GOP was the only party to have a woman on the Presidential ticket this century. Oh really, Ms. Bachmann? Is this a reference to your vapid, empty-headed colleague of yours from the Great White North? The woman who could not think fast enough to bullshit a reporter’s question about what newspapers she reads?

Yes, of course, Bachmann was referring to the Divine Ms. Sarah, who attacked the Obama administration's policies in her spiel. The Obama mantra Yes, we can became No, you can’t in her criticism of the Affordable Care Act. Ah, once again the Party of No rears its ugly head! They were bound to show up sooner or later. (Somewhere, Spiro Agnew must be smiling at these nattering nabobs of negativity.)

Then she warned the conservative ladies in the audience not to allow themselves to be used by the Democrats. She advised her gender that they should not choose to be their political pawn or just their piece of accessory on their arm. Honey, that’s not liberation, that’s subjugation, and the sisterhood fights against that.

This is brilliant standup comedy. It’s wonderful, it’s…wait, she was serious? OMG!!!!!

Really, Ms. Sarah, the sisterhood fights against being used as pawns by Washington’s power players? Her argument was condescending - no one I know uses words like honey in a political speech - and, dare I say, hypocritical? After all, the sisterhood at the state level seems to be forsaking their reproductive rights as they shove big government controls up their own vaginas. Wow! Sisterhood has sure changed since I was a member of the National Organization for Women!
In any event, it’s nice that the conservatives gather once a year to show the world where they stand on the issues. It makes their followers feel good, and it does wonders for liberal bloggers. It’s almost like they spent three days painting big targets on each others backs just for our continued pleasure. I intend to take full advantage of this and use them as my pawns in the coming months…

(Thank you for reading! Hey Mama Grizzly! Take off, eh?)


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