A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Friday, July 07, 2006

The Court of Public Opinion vs. Brett Myers

Baseball Announcer (BA): We have a time out here in the case of the Court of Public Opinion vs Brett Myers. The lawyers are conferring with the judge with a side bar.

Color Commentator (CC): That’s right, Harry. This will give us a moment to point out that the prosecuting lawyer is dressed in a gray pinstripe dress, with her brunette hair tied back in a bun. She is looking every bit the professional that she is. The defense attorney, on the other hand, is clad in a bearskin slung over one shoulder. The skin, I might add, goes well with the battered wooden club that Myers' lawyer carries around with him everywhere. Still, in this court, his dress and manner does not bode well for his client.

BA: That’s right, Skip. In the Court of Public Opinion, appearance is everything and substance means squat...okay, it looks like the sidebar is breaking up and the attorneys are returning to their table.

(Judge bangs his gavel.)

Prosecutor: Your honor and esteemed members of the general public, we can plainly see that the accused is guilty as sin and should be punished to the full extent of the law.

Judge: Excuse me, counselor. May I remind you that this is not a court of law? Judgement here is rendered with a mixture of gossip, rumor, half-baked testimony, no presumption of innocence whatsoever, and traditional values. Besides, even if this was the court of law, we don’t have the authority to carry out your suggestion of lethal injection.

Prosecutor: But your honor, we need to send a message to all these brutes that dare to strike women.

Judge: I’m all for sending messages, but there are some puzzling questions that stand out in this case. For example, why did Mrs. Myers bail her husband out of jail?

Prosecutor: Your honor, we see this type of thing all too often in abused spouse cases.

Defense Attorney (DA): Your honor, may I respectfully suggest that she bailed him out because she missed him and wanted to be smacked a few more times.

Prosecutor: Objection!

BA: Ohh, that’s gonna be scored as an error!

Judge (with gavel bang): Sustained! Mr. Og, don’t you realize that your Neanderthal comments and demeanor aren’t helping your client’s case?

DA: (Grunts.)

Judge: Go ahead, prosecutor!

Prosecutor: Thank you, your honor. I also move that Myers' employer, the major league baseball club known as The Philadelphia Phillies, be penalized and/or otherwise sanctioned for their lack of concern for abused women immediately after the Myers incident in Boston.

Judge: Are you sure you want to set this precedent? I know that you believe that the Phillies should have made an example of Brett Myers, but do you really expect employers to hold their employees accountable for misdeeds they may commit off the job? Now wait, let’s think this through. In the Phillies case, sure they could have suspended Myers for a few games, and he would’ve lost a few thousand dollars salary, but this is a drop in a bucket for a ball player with a multi-million dollar salary. Now let’s use your proposal in the private sector. An employer in the private sector could allow the worker to continue performing his duties, provided the alleged crime does not interfere with those duties. Or the employer could suspend the employee without pay, or fire that employee even before he can go through due process in the judicial system. The loss of income might further aggravate the situation in a home setting that is already abusive. Can you see what I’m saying?

Prosecutor: Yes, I can, your honor, but the abused woman must be protected.

Judge: No argument here, but...but what about the abused men? You know, those men who are beaten by their wives.

Prosecutor (laughing): Oh, come on! You don’t really believe that they exist, do you?

BA: Uh-oh. That was the wrong thing to say. Now, the spectators are shouting and jumping over the railing, and they’re coming for the prosecutor. Now the jury is jumping to her defense and now all benches are emptied, and everyone is duking it out in front of the bench. The judge is banging his gavel, but no one can hear him. And, oh my, the defense attorney is trying to drag the court stenographer away...what a mess.

CC: This is incredible, Harry! Not even the court of public opinion can agree on this verdict.

BA: So at the end of this inning, no runs, plenty of hits, and one error. We’ll be back after this word from the makers of sleeveless undershirts.


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