First Drafts of Famous Apologies

Recently, there has been a rash of public apologies in the news. The apologies often don’t quite measure up to the offense, or don’t live up to the expectations of the offended. I wondered how much forethought goes into these apologies if they are met with such condemnation by the outside world. I propose the following as the first drafts of famous apologies.

DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS PURELY AN EXERCISE IN SPECULATING ON WHAT VARIOUS CELEBRETIES MIGHT HAVE WANTED TO SAY WHEN THEY MADE PUBLIC FAUX PAS DURING THE LAST FEW YEARS. THE AUTHOR DOES NOT CLAIM TO POSSESS ANY EVIDENCE THAT THE FOLLOWING REMARKS WERE EVER MADE, WRITTEN OR TRANSMITTED IN ANY FORM. IN OTHER WORDS: DON’T SUE ME! YOU’LL GET NOTHING OUT OF IT!

Bill Clinton:
“Yeah, I did her! So what? Can you blame me for wanting to get some? After all, look at whom I’m married to! Ninety percent of you people don’t even like her, and you expect me to sleep with her?”

President Bush:
“Wow, I have screwed everything up big time! I mean, let’s stay the course! Stay the course everyone!”

The Pope:
“Christ! Can’t you people take a joke? By the way, Bitburg, Bitburg, Bitburg!”

Osama bin-Laden:
“I could’ve sworn that they had moved the airport to mid-town Manhattan. I mean, die, Great Satan, die!”

Jessica Simpson:
“I’m sorry I’m so stupid. Now give me that chicken. I’m in the mood for a tuna sandwich.”

Hugh Grant:
“I’m sorry I didn’t get a room!”

George Michael:
“I’m sorry I didn’t get a room!”

Mel Gibson:
“I’m sorry that the Jews control everything. By the way, Bitburg, Bitburg, Bitburg!”

Tom Cruise:
“Oprah, sorry I got so physical with your couch!”

Governor Schwarzenegger:
“I’m sorry I didn’t terminate the jerk that leaked my blood remarks to the media. I mean, I was misunderstood. Ya, my accent got in the way...again!”

Todd Gunther:
“Christ! Can’t you people take a joke?”